Category: Relationships

  • Racism – is it really all just in our heads?

    Clyde is traveling in Nashville this week and asked me to “fill in” for him with a post about an article I ran across on MSNBC about children with a rare genetic disorder that causes them to ignore race and skin color. Learn more about what this unusual condition is teaching us about the origins of racism and gender stereotypes.

    Ann M. Richardson

    I read an article today about children born with a rare genetic disorder known as Williams syndrome that causes them to have a complete lack of social anxiety.

    An interesting by-product of this defect is that the children have no racial biases, according to a researcher from the University of Heidelberg in Germany.

    Normally, children show clear preferences for their own ethnic group by the age of three, or sooner, according to other research. In fact, children without the defect consistently associate positive traits (friendliness, kindness, etc.) to people that are the same race as themselves.

    When asked a negative question, “Which is the naughty boy?” children without Williams syndrome indicate that the naughty boy is the one from the “other” race.

    Williams syndrome is caused by the absence of a gene that affects the brain and other organs. People with this syndrome are “hypersocial,” meaning that they don’t experience the anxiety, nervousness, and self-consciousness that plague the rest of us – especially adolescents.

    Sounds like it would be great if we all had Williams syndrome, doesn’t it?

    Can you imagine what it would be like to live in a world where no one hated anyone just because of the color of their skin or their ethnic background? And no one got the jitters when they had to speak in front of a group of people?

    Sounds like utopia to me.

    But Williams syndrome does have some drawbacks.

    Kids with Williams syndrome (WS) will put themselves at risk to help someone else while giving no thought for their own safety. Despite considerable empathy for others, the disorder leaves them unable to process and assess what scientists call “social danger signals.”

    Or what I call a lack of plain old “street smarts.” The kind of wariness that tells you when to walk away (or even run) from a fight – or when “something just doesn’t feel right.”

    Not surprisingly, this lack of street smarts puts WS kids at greater risk for rape and physical assault.

    So is racism really “all in our heads?” Or is it all biological? And if it is biological, can we do anything about it?

    According to researcher Andreas Meyer-Lindenburg, WS kids may be missing critical genes, but:

    “We are not saying that this is all biologically-based and you can’t do anything about it [racial bias]. Just because there is a genetic way to knock the system out, does not mean the system itself is 100 percent genetic,” he said.

    The study shows that racism requires social fear. “If social fear was culturally reduced, racial stereotypes could also be reduced,” Meyer-Lindenberg said.

    Another interesting thing learned from this study: although children with Williams may lack street smarts, they do hold gender stereotypes just as strongly as normal children.

    Meyer-Lindenberg says that we now know that “gender and race are processed by different brain mechanisms,” Meyer-Lindenberg said. Other researchers have learned that in the brains of people with WS, the amygdala — where our emotions reside — fails to respond to social threats. While the amygdala is normal, it is misdirected by the pre-frontal cortex — the CEO of the brain — to block all social anxiety.

    Scientists theorize that this interaction in the brain affects racism, but it does not seem to play a role in the formation of gender stereotypes.

    Meyer-Lindenberg and his colleagues at the University of Heidelberg are using brain imaging to get a clearer picture of how racism and sexism are differentiated in the brain.

    The German study was published in the journal Current Biology.

    Click here to read the complete article I read on MSNBC.

    Clyde will return this Sunday – in the meantime, share your comments with me about this article.

    Let me know what you think:

    • Is racism due to nature or nurture? Do we learn it or is it biological?
    • If it is biological, can we do anything about it?
    • And what are the implications of this research? Will we soon have a”pill” available that eliminates racism?
  • Breaking up is hard to do

    Marriage has become big business – especially in the United States.

    Not only do we spend a fortune on daddy’s little girl’s special day, but the lawyers in the divorce settlement get to have their “special day,” too!

    On average, fifty percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce.

    The occupation you and your spouse choose may also have an effect on divorce statistics.

    If you are a clergyperson, the divorce rate dips to 20 percent (probably due to pressure from Protestant churches – most won’t accept a minister who is single).  But if you are in law enforcement, that number swells to 70 percent.

    But no matter where you fall on the divorce meter, divorce is still a traumatic event. Few husbands and wives consider the need for calm, rational thinking while making decisions that affect not only the adults, but impact the children, too.

    Many important decisions need to be made when a couple is considering divorce. But at some point, things often get so bad that one or both partners decide that they can’t stand to be around each other any longer – let alone conduct a rational discussion.

    What was once thought to be love has now turned into hate. here is no agreement on anything. There is no such thing as a compromise. And as a result, there is no peace in the household.

    Add kids to this volatile mix and now you have something very explosive.

    Like a drive-by shooting, I have seen a spouse use the kids as a shield to block insults or send them to the soon-to-be-ex in the form of an emotional bomb.

    Don’t be fooled. This isn’t a marriage anymore – it’s now a war!

    One couple I counseled was masterful at this.

    When the wife wanted to leave, the husband deflected her insults about men by telling their six-year-old son that when his mom made disparaging comments about men, she meant all men – including him!

    In another case, the wife sent her young daughter to her husband after he announced that he was leaving her because of her drinking problem. The daughter looked at her dad with those cute little brown eyes and said, “Daddy, why are you leaving us?”

    Breaking up is hard to do because you have to learn again how to talk to each other, be civil, and choose not to retaliate or play the tit-for-tat game.

    Plus you also have to consider the kids FIRST in everything.

    Divorce is like a war – but no matter who is left standing at the end, there is no winner. All sides lose – especially the kids.

    I’ve had to teach couples how to be cordial, how to react, how to avoid extra hurt for the kids and how to be fair.

    I have to remind them that their decisions shouldn’t have anything to do with the spouse and everything to do with the quality of person they are.

    We as humans tend to trade our good qualities for bad ones when we’re angry or emotionally upset.

    One might question if we really had the good qualities in the first place.

    A marriage and family therapist would be worth his/her weight in gold if couples were to start out with one for premarital counseling and then keep the therapist around for the first few years of the marriage.

    This is the answer to the divorce problem everywhere!

    Couples who divorce must learn how to compromise and how to give up “self” for the sake of the kids.

    Isn’t that interesting?

    If it’s possible that during divorce proceedings a couple can learn how to compromise and not be selfish, I wonder what would happen if they learned these things before they married?

    Maybe divorce attorneys would become an endangered species.

  • The Gospel of Love

    There is a lot of information written about love. If you type the word “love” into a Google search, 1.4 billion search results appear.

    I was reminded of a song when I graduated from high school entitled “What about love?” by the rock band Heart. The song is about a person who has been sending love to another and for some reason it’s not getting through. The person she is sending her love to is climbing the ladder of success and doing big things and she’s reminding him about love.

    The chorus says:
    What about love?
    Don’t you want someone to care about you?
    What about love?
    Don’t let it slip away.
    What about love?
    I only want to share it with you.

    Love expresses so many things about us – our needs, desires, wants and our vulnerability. This is a universal way that we can give a part of our essence to each other. Love, done the right way, is God’s greatest gift to mankind.

    What about love gone wrong?

    It’s hard to have a conversation about love and not talk about hate. It’s great and I thank God for free will and giving us a choice. The idea was as we learned better, we would do better.

    In one of my favorite Michael Jackson songs he says:
    So I’ve learned that love is not possession.
    And I’ve learned that love won’t wait.
    Now I’ve learned that love needs expression, but I’ve learned too late.

    I believe there are people in this world who need an enema in regards to their love. In other words their love is stopped up, trapped inside of them and they don’t know how to get it out.

    These hurt people, hurt people.

    Because of their hurt, they become damaged goods and they desire that everyone would feel hurt like they do. You may have met some of these people. Some of the best places to find them is at work and at church!

    You can tell they are hurt in the things they say, the way they look, how they dress and it’s even reflected in the number of true friends they have. Their love is constipated!

    There are three ways to fix constipation:
    1. Have someone unpack it for you. In the nursing business this is the quickest way to get it done. And they actually go up there and get it.
    2. Use medication. There are some really good products on the market that use all natural ingredients for this.
    3. Let it happen naturally. Your system will get so backed up that eventually it’s forced out (drink plenty of water with that one).

    Of course, I’m referring to a literal case of bowel obstruction, but for love the answers are on the same line of thinking.

    Let’s take the last one first.

    Method Number Three has a few drawbacks. For love to eventually build up and flow out will happen in a sea of tears. Unfortunately, by this time, the person who was trying to love you has given up. This third method describes a condition where circumstances have made this person break down to a very lowly state.

    Some people never recover from this.

    They become depressed and may succeed at suicide. A person in this state needs to feel the love immediately and know that their show of vulnerability is not an embarrassment, but an improvement.

    Method Number Two is just good old-fashioned therapy. We all need therapy from time to time – it’s not that we’re crazy. Occasionally, we need to take something that will help get us back on track. Good therapy does just that.

    Method Number One has to be performed by someone who has a very close relationship with the person whose love is constipated. This person has to reach in and grab it. That means the constipated person must be confronted in love regarding their attitude, behavior or actions. The person who cares enough to confront them must not give up and be willing to fight the good fight of faith and to believe that the relationship can survive. And it can, because love covers a multitude of sins!

    This is the “good news” of LOVE.