ClydeStyle

Tag: Choices

  • The crisis of meaning

    With all the things that have happened since 2020 begin from the beginning of the pandemic to election issues and challenges with democracy, to job creation, gas prices, police shootings and the war in Ukraine, it’s befitting that some folks would start questioning everything and having doubts about who they are, the meaning of life and overall purpose. If you are serious about life, maturity will bring you to this point where you begin to wonder whether or not you have the correct understanding of things or that you really believe what you were told growing up.

    This feeling is difficult. It’s where you begin to search for what life really means to you. This can even be dangerous at times because for some the thought process spirals out of control to the point where they actually believe in their heart that the world would be a better place without them. Some begin to suffer severe depression based on their new found discoveries about life or themselves. This is the time when reality becomes real.

    It seems that tragedy brings about these thoughts. It normally happens when you feel the world around you is closing in on you. Things begin the change around you too fast and for a long time you have not been happy. There is a word for this. It is called an existential crisis.

    Formally, in psychology and psychotherapy, existential crises are inner conflicts characterized by the impression that life lacks meaning. These conflicts will keep you up at night. They will also make you cry, feel depressed and even betrayed.

    The year is halfway over and depending how 2022 has treated you, you might find yourself dealing with this now. If you are I want to give you some tips to make it through successfully. The first thing is you need someone who you trust. This is a person who will keep your confidence and is a good listener. You DO NOT need someone to tell you want to do or what to think — this was probably the problem in the beginning. You need a guide. This would be someone who you believe is living the life you hope to have. It’s an experienced person so they wouldn’t necessarily be in your age range. Look to the immediate generation ahead of you.

    You also must be honest about your feelings. I had a client that discovered that she had quite a few relatives who were racist and that she hated those views but was conflicted because these were family members she loved. Their views were not her views but since they had the same DNA she felt that she must be racist too. It took us some time but she discovered she could pick and choose the parts of her family she loved and hated and for her to remain balanced, she had to speak out against the behavior she hated and embrace the person with love.

    The final stage is to take your time. The process could take months or years to complete. You will make progress along the way but it should not be rushed and the purpose of it all is for you to become a better you!

  • The big Break up

    The Stylistics made the song “Break up to make up” famous! Saying, “First you love me, then you hate me, that’s a game for fools.” Probably the worst thing about breaking up is that in the beginning it leaves you so empty. There is a brand new void that needs to be filled. Some embrace the void as pain that quickly leads to depression. Others look to fill the void immediately often dragging someone new into the picture which isn’t fair to the newcomer.

    What makes relationships so hard is that we all have somewhat of a hidden complex about ourselves. Things like personal quirks that we feel we can’t be honest about. We have feelings we can’t share for fear of being judged. We don’t want anyone to know we’re insecure. Then there are people that are so afraid of being hurt again that they can’t be transparent in a new relationship. There are so many dynamics, but with most of them good communication and honesty fixes most of them.

    Assumptions are another great relationship killer. And mind you these things hurt over time. The first 40 assumptions aren’t enough to kill a relationship. It’s the next 200 of them that does it. Then you start factoring in all the wasted time. All your fears about breaking up come to light and that space you don’t enjoy — the emptiness is surrounding you again.

    Well, if you have ended a relationship recently let’s try to pick up the pieces. First, if you think it’s all your fault — it is! Not ALL because it takes 2 people for a relationship. You definitely need to own a percentage of the break up. But who’s fault it is doesn’t matter now because it’s over … right???

    What matters now is that we learn from what happened and own our dysfunction. Some people enter a relationship still broken from a previous one. You can not give yourself wholly to a person when you are broken. You must heal first. Some people just don’t like to be alone. They jump around from person to person when they really need to get a dog — or some other pet and heal.

    There are also areas that need improvement. All improvements must be made for only one reason — because you want to make them for yourself. If you were informed in a previous relationship that you were selfish, you have to decide if you believe that to be true. Any changes you make has to be because you want it. If not, it will not be genuine.

    Slowing the dating process waaaaaay down is also a must as you must give things time to develop. When you meet a new person you are instantly in discovery mode. Give it time. Before you start making new commitments you must heal from the past and know what characteristics you like before you meet someone and don’t compromise them.

    If you are really looking for a long- term committed relationship, you need to seek spiritual guidance for this is the highest point of mankind’s intellect. Glorify God in every aspect of the relationship and if it ends, you will land on your feet! Now, make sure you take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally in order to recover from the break up. Give it time. You will get better!

  • A network of togetherness

    There is something to be said for being together. Our closeness or unity or connection to another person or group of folks quenches the thirsty we have for belonging. As humans we need to be a part of something — good or bad we need to belong. We yearn for inclusion and to be entangled with other people.

    Togetherness is defined as a state or feeling of closeness and happiness among people who are together as friends, family members, etc. Some have several groups they associate with. In these groups you should find all you need to balance your life such as encouragement, support, wisdom, intimacy, family, networking and entertainment.

    Togetherness is so important that we should have a societal rule that everyone must be a part of a crew. You choose your own crew but your Togetherness will also be charged for trouble you get in. That alone would make us choose our friends more closely and truly be our brothers keeper!

    Togetherness greatly helps with mental health issues and it single handedly lowers suicide rates. In fact, overall crime goes down in areas where people cluster together in unity. Many foreigners to this country take their togetherness to a foreign land and excel! They live in close quarters together for a time to save money and get ahead. So two families may move together and live together here. All able-bodied individuals work and the money made is shared with the cluster. Each family helps the other get ahead and they slowly bring in more families as others advance.

    This just proves that we are better together. We were created to be a part of a pair that would have the ability to increase it’s nunber and the. They would all work together and look out for each other. We also call this a family!

    I remember the crew I had in junior high, high school and college. Then I had a different group of professionals when I entered the workforce. As far back as I can recall, I have never existed without a crew. And all of my groups were successful. How about you my friends? Do you have a crew? Do you support your crew? Is your group successful? Can you rely on them? These are very important questions if you plan to get by with a little help from your friends!

  • Being a friend

    There seems to be a shortage of true friends in this world. Social media can be down right evil sometimes. It gives everyone a reality show and truth be told, every thing that goes on in your life is not meant for prime time! You see, social media just wants the “show”. And they will use your life, identity, click bait and other avenues just to keep people watching so money can be made off the advertisements.

    This is where the true friend should come in. Your close friend is supposed to be a person who has proven that you can trust them, lean on them, be vulnerable with them and just be your entire self — good or bad– with them. The friend is the one who stops you from making stupid decisions that could lead to your demise. Your friend is supposed to be the eyes in the back of your head, the hell raiser when times get really bad and your defender when needed. Based on what we can see daily on just one social medium is enough to say we are failing at being true friends.

    When I see an embarrassing moment on social media I immediately think to myself, “Oh, if they just had a real friend.” I see women and men make completely idiots of themselves and become the entertainment for the world because they struggled to deal with some relationship issue. Someone treated them wrong, or made them look like a fool or both. These hurt people then go before the social media gods seeking approval, sympathy and support for their troubles. But all they become is a sideshow of comedy for people who could care less about the truth or the real story of what happened in your life.

    A friend is supposed to stop you from looking like an idiot. Social media is NOT your friend. So the next time you see some foolishness online that makes you shake your head or laugh out loud, think about the absence of that friend who could have prevented all the foolishness. If you are one of those people who believe telling all your business on social media is acceptable, please understand NOBODY CARES. I know you think you are telling it to a group of folks who carry the label of your “friends” but it really is just in name only. Even if you have the maximum of 5000 friends on your list, the lion’s share of them still don’t care.

    Don’t believe me? Go on Facebook and ask everyone on your friends list to send you $1 and see if the amount you receive matches your total number of friends. I promise you it won’t come close!

  • God – Pro Choice?

    Remember when life was a little easier?

    I mean long before we were frightened by the turn of the century – you remember the time I like to call the duck tape/water scandal. It’s as if someone hit the fear switch and that became the new method of control.

    Suddenly, we now had to be careful about what we said, what we saw and what we did.

    Even our words have changed.

    I’m old enough to remember the theme song to The Flintstones. When the lyrics said, “you’ll have a gay ole time,” no one had homosexual thoughts about it. The word gay had a different meaning then. It just meant happy. Now I guess it means happier.

    I remember when I could say that the word “ain’t” wasn’t in the dictionary! Well, it is now.

    Word usage is very important today.

    I say all this to point out that as we continue to change – and change is good – we need to be careful of what we choose to fight against. Many Christians end up on the wrong side of politics – meaning that sometimes we have to choose whether we’re going to be political or spiritual.

    I was having a conversation with a woman who felt that God hated abortion and that the people who participate in it will surely go to hell. I asked her if she was sure about that and she said definitely! She then proceeded to tell me that I shouldn’t be questioning her since I stand in a pulpit on Sunday mornings.

    I asked her if she wanted to have this conversation as members of a political party or as members of the body of Christ.

    She said, “Both.”

    I said “That’s impossible.”

    The reason is because of the definition of words.

    Words like “pro choice” and “socialism” (I will discuss socialism in another post) take on different meanings depending on the context of the conversation.

    This intrigued her.

    She said, “Since we’re both Christians, let’s talk about it as members of the body of Christ.”

    Great idea!

    Biblically, God wants us to use our intellect. We were created differently from the other animals for this purpose. All Christians agree that we were created in the image of God – everyone doesn’t understand how – but we agree that we are definitely created in His image (Gen. 1:26, 27).

    Being created in the very image of God gives us the right to choose – to make our own choices and to suffer the consequences for our mistakes – whether they’re good consequences or bad ones.

    Some people think it would have been easier for God to just omit the trees that He told Adam and Eve not to eat from. Being in the image of God necessitates the need to use the intellect we’ve been created with. God gave Adam and Eve an opportunity to use their intellect.

    That’s what choice is all about.

    What do you think happens when someone (people, the government, the schools – or anybody) takes that right away?

    How many people in the Bible were given choices by God?

    A better question might be: how many people from the Bible must I name who God gave choices to for you to believe that God is pro-choice?

    In fact, of the 66 books in the Bible, it would be quicker to name the people He didn’t give choices to.

    Can you name anyone in either of these groups?