ClydeStyle

Category: Relationships

  • Resolutions should be a way of life

    Of the 50 percent of Americans who make resolutions, 90 percent of them break their resolution by the middle of January.

    It seems that the end of a year gives us a temporary conscience. It bothers us enough to acknowledge that there are things in our lives that need fixing, but nothing about the New Year makes us want to do anything more than admit it and move on.

    We know that there are people who don’t need to be in our lives and there are things we need to just flat out stop doing. Whether that is ending a destructive relationship or maintaining a healthy blood sugar level, we need to be far more serious about this.

    Here is a practical way to keep your resolutions. Don’t do a resolution for a year; do them by the day, hour or even minute.

    A resolution is a way of admitting we’re wrong and need to be better regarding something in our life. Why not make the idea of resolving ourselves a way of life? What would be wrong with keeping the imperfection ever before us – even to the point of letting others know that you recognize the need to change in this area. Then legitimately work on it. Really commit to the change and raising the bar of expectation in your life.

    By doing this daily, I think you will find that those around you will begin to acknowledge a different you. After all, that’s what we all want anyway, right?

  • Part 2: Unconditional Love???

    In the Bible, the Apostle Paul made a really big deal about the gift of love. He says:

    “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…”

    Whenever I have heard this passage (1 Corinthians 13:1-8) taught, it’s used as an absolute definition. I believe that the intent of this passage is to give you the results of practicing unconditional love, not simply define it.

    Unconditional love has nothing to do with the person being loved. It has everything to do with the person who is giving the love. Unconditional love seems to refine the giver. We dwell on the benefits to the receiver, but the giver of unconditional love benefits the more.

    Let’s say that I have an anger problem, but I choose to love unconditionally. As my anger is kindled, I am faced with the choice of whether to honor unconditional love or follow my anger. If I allow love in, it will not only conquer my anger, but solve the reason why I am angry in the first place.

    Or say that I am faced with a person who has the reputation of being incapable of love, what are my choices? I could choose to stay away from that person which is what most would choose, or I could choose love. Now, this doesn’t mean that we allow people to run over us. It means that we will love them enough to do what others would not and that includes telling them what they really need to hear instead of enabling their behavior.

    When you truly love someone, you don’t give up on them. This is why God said, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” When you truly love someone, when they are at their weakest, you are the strongest. This is why it was “while we were without strength, Christ died …”.

    When you truly love someone,  you become a benefit to them that they can see. You enhance their life so that it’s worth living. This is why Christ said, “I came to bring you life and life more abundantly.” The greatest part of loving someone is doing something for them that they could not do for themselves. This is why “God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever shall believe on him shall not parish, but have eternal life.”

    Love is something for the mature, not the immature. If you are trying to love someone and “self” keeps getting in the way, you’re not ready for the commitment of unconditional love. But if you would allow this love to have it’s way with you, all of your insecurities, fears, quirks and impurities would pour out of you.

    Remember, mankind requires a condition,but  God never did. Who do you believe will be left standing in the end?

  • Part 1: Unconditional love?

    Love is probably the most overused and misrepresented word in the English language.

    I say this because of the condition of the world. How many men use this word love to lure innocent woman into sexual relationships? How many children were conceived to teenage mothers under the idea that it was love? How many people have been betrayed by people who claimed to love them?

    Love is NOT something you fall in, something that finds you or something that you feel. Love is something that you know, it is taught and those who know what it is, practice it. It is a by-product of experiencing Jesus Christ or people like Him. It is expressed in many ways. Clearly, it is a way of life.

    By the way love is done in our country, we will never understand it the way it was intended. Love is conditional in America. People practice it conditionally and place expectations of the people they are loving. Love is distributed based on whether or not you meet the lover’s expectations.

    This explains why a young woman searching for love will give herself sexually because she understands love as conditional. Men have long made sex a condition for their love. After all, that fits the love economy we have here so people just run with it.

    This also explains the divorce rate.

    Fifty percent of all marriages will end in divorce. That number goes up 20 percent for law enforcement and fire fighters. Why? Conditions were just not met.

    We have played with this concept long enough. Next week I will show you a more excellent way.

  • I can’t?

    Isn’t it funny how the mind works? I remember when I was in grade school and instead of attempting to master math, I spent the most productive hours convincing myself that math was “too hard” and that it “made no sense” and that it was “stupid to do.”

    I really convinced myself of that. Imagine that? I discovered years later that I could totally get my mind to buy into something. Today, it makes me take inventory of my life experiences to see what else I have talked myself into.

    Some of us have talked ourselves into marriage. Some of us had to convince ourselves that the things are parents did were not wrong, it was just the way they expressed their love. Some of us had to convince ourselves that we are worthless and have no value. Still others have convinced themselves that they are the problem and not the other person. Some are convinced that their spiritual leader must be right, or he wouldn’t be a spiritual leader.  All of this convincing causes us to live in pain – whether emotional, spiritual, mental or physical – we’re hurting … real bad!

    It seems we have forgotten the simple lessons when someone is trying to sell us something. If it sounds too good to be true, it is. If it takes some convincing, then it was probably the wrong thing. There is always a reason why we have our reservations. But it seems we have a soft spot for ourselves. We want to believe that we care enough about ourselves to never lead US astray.

    Unfortunately we do it often.

    I can convince myself to love, hate, fight, hold a grudge, spend money, be comfortable with being wrong, gossip, mistreat people and settle. There is no end to what I can convince my mind to do.

    Did you catch what I just said?

    All of us have the ability to convince ourselves of anything. What if we were to convince ourselves to seek positive change, be honest with ourselves and those around us. What if we convinced ourselves to save money, love one another, glorify God or even resist the devil.

    We need to take a self inventory of what we believe and how we came to believe it. Were we convinced by someone or self? Is what we believe true? To search ourselves and answer these questions is another way we can be free.

    We could totally eliminate the words “I can’t” from our lives.

    Then what would our reality be? What would it be like for us to exercise this over ourselves for the betterment of self. Is it too late for a situation or circumstance to be effected by this? Will we let fear stop us from doing what the rest of our being already knew to do?

    Let’s not waste our minds on “I can’t.”

  • The lioness, the witch and the wardrobe

    After thinking about the blog I wrote regarding men being thoroughbreds and Jackasses, I said to myself: “Self, women have their pluses and minuses too, so we should be fair and write about both.” I’m not sure if the “we” makes me schizophrenic, nevertheless, let us tell you a little something about women.

    God made women to be natural nurturers and lovers. Every single woman, whether they are old or young, rich or poor, they are all nurturers and lovers. The very emotions that we men sometimes hate are all mixed into the nurturing pot that gives women such a forgiving and hoping spirit. Every woman wants the most for their children and all have the ability to see the best in their children, even when it is difficult for others to see. This has been transferred so many times to the men in their lives and, unfortunately, many don’t deserve it.

    By now, you’re thinking, “So what happens?” I’m sure many would argue that not all women are like this. (I am saying all women are as I’ve described).

    Well, what happens when you love real hard is the same thing that happens when you drive too fast – eventually you crash. The women who we judge by saying they are not like I’ve described are the very women who have crashed. Whether they fell in love with the wrong guy, a married guy or a gay guy, these women have been hurt and what you are seeing in the (present day) is the results of the hurt. Their adaption, if you will.

    I have placed them in three categories to better understand their position.

    Some women as a result of their hurting have resorted to being overly selfish and only looking out for self. I call this the wardrobe part. This type of woman is only interested in what you can do for her and what you have done for her lately. She is adorned in extremely expensive clothes, jewelry and accessories (for no other reason than  in her mind she’s convinced herself that she’s worth it), and now she needs you to prove your love to her. The proof she requires is all physical. In her mind, she believes that when the relationship ends (and now for her they all will), she needs something of value to take from the relationship – Wardrobe!

    Next is Witch and I was thinking of the word that rhymes with this, but I don’t like using it to refer to females. Witches, too, have crashed – and for them every man is viewed the same way – DOGS! Since her crash, she believes that men are limited in what they are good for –  so as a woman, she just gets what she can from them and vows not to put up with any mess! Witches use their actions as protective shields to defend against being hurt again. Hurt for them has become such a dominating part of their life that they cause hurt first (or draw first blood) believing that hurt is a necessary part of relationships. The more they have been hurt, the more of a witch they will be.

    Then finally we reach the Lioness. Although these felines are still a little finicky, they serve multiple roles in a relationship and they’re all positive. This is the type of woman who is a triple threat: She can make a house a home, she can earn a great living and she is very giving of herself. She loves without barriers. You can always tell a Lioness by the way she treats her children. She could easily fulfill the role of the male, but she understands that he’s the real king. She also knows how to make the male feel like the king – why do you think he has such a loud roar?

    There is another kind of woman I call the pawn. She has not experienced much of anything and doesn’t know much of anything. You should not attempt a relationship with a pawn unless you are willing to be patient and teach. She’ll need time to develop and decide who she wants to be before she really can have a healthy relationship with someone else.

    In each category, understand that the right “King” can change the disposition of anyone. Remember, he’s called a thoroughbred!

  • Thoroughbreds and Jackasses

    I’ve been looking at breeds of horses and similar animals and it dawned on me how much the dating world mirrors these breeds.

    Women have a very tough time in this world because it really seems that fairy tales and dysfunctional families have finally taken a toll. As little girls they begin to have expectations based on what they have been told.

    Most every little girl grows up believing that she needs to be saved!

    They believe that there is going to be some knight in shining armor coming around to “rescue” them from whatever the impending danger is. This guy would make them feel secure, happy, he would take care of them and they would never have to worry about working outside the home – he had it all covered.

    Just like dad?

    How many ladies today grew up in a dysfunctional family where if there was a live-in father, he could never really be anyone’s “savior”? Too many men run from the responsibility of parenting. Despite the fact that they have donated the sperm to create a child, these fellows aren’t looking forward to the family life.

    Well, what does all this have to do with thoroughbreds and jackasses? It seems that in our society the choices of men follow the same classifications as our four-legged friends.

    First, in the Equus ferus caballus family is the foal, sometimes referred to as the suckling and is generally less than a year old. For a man, this is the stage where he thinks he is ready to play house, but not ready to “support” a house. It’s at this stage where he believes that he is a man, but still needs the help of his parents – especially mom (place sucking sounds here). These “mama’s boys” – no matter how cute they are – are not ready for a serious, adult relationship and should be left alone.

    Next we fast forward to the Colt. This is a young male horse under the age of four. For adult males, these years symbolize college or the first couple of years in the workforce. This guy is not ready for a family, but is always mistaken for being ready. He will rant and rave about being an adult, but has not yet mastered the growth to equally challenge the responsibility of being in a committed relationship. I must mention that even though he’s on his way, this young man needs time to develop before being taken out to the track (of life).

    A stallion is up next and this would refer to a non-castrated male horse that is over the age of four. As a man, this level is crucial because just as the stallion is powerful and ready to ride, he is equally as playful and will say he wants to go to the track, but he’s really just looking for a rider. These animals love to be ridden and you’re a great rider if you can tame one of them. If you can’t, it’s best to walk away. You have to be willing to regroup and not throw all your eggs in one basket. Remember, just because you were not the right rider for one, doesn’t mean you can’t learn to ride another.

    When we begin to discuss Thoroughbreds (Tb) we are talking about a distinct breed of horse. Many modern Thoroughbreds can trace their pedigrees to three stallions originally imported into England in the 17th and 18th centuries. Everyone wants a Thoroughbred. Nowadays, we are so quick to call someone a Tb. It’s like if he stands bipedal, he’s a Tb! In actuality, Tb are men who know exactly how to “handle their business.” These are the real dudes that day in and day out deliver. There is no second guessing in their relationships. Unfortunately, they have become the “needle in a haystack” for the dating world.

    Now a Jackass is a domesticated member of the horse family and in our society, men in this category are a little less domesticated. They are arrogant, liars, selfish and stubborn. They seem to be the only ones who can’t see that they are like this. Their failures are always someone else’s fault. They are quick to tell you what’s wrong with you and could care less about your feelings. They will suck dry your energy, resources and emotions if you let them and it’s impossible for them (in their current state) to replenish anything. The hardest part of being in a committed relationship is thinking you have a Tb when you actually have a Jackass — but only a codependent woman would think that a Jackass was a Thoroughbred – and there is nothing more devastating than realizing you’ve been waking up next to a Jackass.

  • Happily ever after

    by guest columnist Hope Seavers

    “Happily Ever After,”  we’ve all heard the phrase, but what does it mean and how does one get there?   Does it mean that once you get married something “magically” happens or are there other factors involved?   I’ve worked with several couples who, after 20 plus years, are considering divorce because they are no longer happy…they’ve grown apart.  More accurately, one member of the dyad has grown and the other has remained stagnant.  The stagnant member proclaims, “I haven’t changed…I don’t understand what happened!”  It’s human nature to change and grow, otherwise, how could one mature through the various stages of human development?  It stands to reason that in a marriage it’s necessary, for both husband and wife, to grow and change as well.

    Let’s take a moment to look at marriage as it relates to Christianity.  On the day of Pentecost, Peter preached a very powerful sermon, teaching that repentance and baptism are necessary to receive forgiveness of sins and to be added to the church (Acts 2:38 – 41).  So, once the baptism takes place, does that mean that the once wayward individual has arrived…that there is no more need for growth and maturity?  Not according to 1 Peter 2:1-3, which says “Wherefore laying aside all malice, and all guile, and hypocrisies, and envies, and all evil speaking,  As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby.”  It’s clear from this passage that change must happen in order to mature in Christ.

    Just as each Christian must continue to grow in knowledge and faith, so must each individual of the marital union.  The lives of Paul and Peter are excellent examples of how the “not so righteous,” through faith and obedience, matured into servants for the Lord.  What is the parallel for the husband and wife of today?  First of all, each individual needs to be “one whole,” before the dyad can truly function on all cylinders.  Now, it would be great if “wholeness” could have been achieved before the marriage, but unfortunately, that’s not always the case as evidenced by the climbing divorce rate in the United States.  In our society, the alternative for most is to just suffer through it as the traditional wedding vows dictate, “…for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”  Come on now…who wants that, really!?!  Suffering through it produces relationships where the husband and wife are, at best, roommates and, at worst, just counting the days until the other one leaves (by any means necessary if you catch my drift).  This is the antithesis of what God intended for marriage to be.  God expects each individual to study His word regularly and apply it to their lives (I Timothy 3:16 – 17).  Through this process, some cognitive and behavioral changes will take place, that manifest themselves in the putting away of unfruitful habits (i.e., nagging, uncontrolled anger, passive aggression, idleness, gluttony, poor stewardship etc.)  and adopting new more profitable ways of being (i.e., congruent communication, long suffering, working toward a meaningful goal, healthy eating and exercise, self-control,  etc.) (Romans 12:1-21).  This process is not about placing blame on or trying to change the other, but rather putting the onus on self to be the best that God intended.  When our lives are aligned with God’s will, the result is always “Happily Ever After”.

  • Rembering John Wooden

    This week the sports world will moan the death of a legend. “The Wizard of Westwood,” as he was called, is being heralded as the greatest coach – in any sport – of all time.

    This is a great honor for John Robert Wooden, who would also drop pearls of wisdom to those who played for him and admired him. Such sayings as: “Failing to prepare is preparing to fail,” “Flexibility is the key to stability, ” and “Be quick, but don’t hurry.”

    Early in my journalism career, I had the esteemed pleasure of hearing one of Coach Wooden’s lectures on leadership. I was also honored to have the chance to interview him. We spent 35 minutes alone and I was able to instantly see what everyone who came in contact with him saw: Greatness.

    This is not an adjective that I use lightly. When you meet someone so humble, so genuine, so gracious and so blessed, you recognize very quickly that he’s just not like the rest of us.

    John Wooden sat and talked to me in three ways. I know that sounds strange, but in part of the conversation he was a coach to me – not basketball coach, but life coach. In another moment he was a father to me, sharing the lessons he learned in life very intimately. And in still another moment he was a true man of God, giving God all the credit for the man he had become.

    It was weird in a way because his actions were nothing like I expected.

    I wanted to talk to him about his coaching career and his 10 NCAA championships. I wanted to talk about all the great players he had coached. And I wanted to talk sports period with him and get his take on who he thought would win the championship that year.

    I even remember being given the assignment because everyone else was out covering games and I was on the sports desk that night. The sports editor at the time said that if I wanted to, I could cover the talk or just write something up from talking with the event planners.

    For us, this wasn’t big news.

    After all, the guy had been retired from coaching for at least 15 years. He had written a book and was talking to the Boy Scouts or Boys and Girls Clubs – I actually can’t remember which one now.

    But what I recall most from that interview was the fact that he didn’t think his accomplishments were as big as the people he had come into contact with throughout his career. He didn’t want to discuss basketball as a part of life, but life itself and what really matters in life.

    Coach Wooden retired in 1975. He could have coached anywhere and clearly he was healthy enough to continue coaching. Obviously, Wooden was not coaching just for the love of basketball. It was his vehicle. Basketball was his means of telling God’s secret to everyone he came in contact with during his career. I call it God’s secret because it seems as though the rest of the world has forgotten it – and continues to forget it.

    God’s secret is LOVE. Remember John 3:16?

    Wooden was a savvy preacher because he never made you feel like he was preaching to you or that he thought you were lacking in an area so he had to instruct you. Without coming across as “holier than thou” or being inappropriate in regards to mixing religion into his business, he just lived his life in a way that reflected the image of God in the face of the people he met.

    I remember reading about how Jesus did that same thing. Jesus then turned around and told His disciples to do the same thing.

    Clearly Coach Wooden was listening.

    And as he is put to rest and the media, fans and his family spend the next week laying him to rest, it is my wish that basketball never comes up and they don’t even talk about what he’s done, because he wouldn’t.

    I hope they remember him for the man he was, and not the things he did. For the latter doesn’t even compare to the character of this great man.

    And if you haven’t seen it yet, search the internet for his famous “pyramid of success,” for by reading and studying it, you will know everything you need to know about John Wooden and how you, too, can have a successful life.

    R.I.P. Coach!

  • Relationship Builder

    So you started the New Year a little on the rocks with your significant other and now they’re gone. One or both of you finally realized that it was time to move on.  Now it’s over.

    You tell yourself that you are better without them. You start tossing out reminders of him, like pictures, various articles of clothing, some gifts (of course not any diamonds) and you quickly change your Facebook status to single.

    You are left with unfulfilled expectations and anger.

    Typically what happens at this point is that you say you want to be alone and you remind yourself that the next person would only be a rebound, but not too soon afterward you are smothering the rebound.

    You begin to take those stored “unfulfilled expectations” and assign them to the new partner. You quickly find out that you are instantly attracted to anything that was the opposite of your ex. For example, if the guy you were with never opened the door for you, then all of a sudden that quality is escalated because of the past. If you were with a woman who really couldn’t cook too well, you’d be all over the woman who could provide you with the southern comfort of food.

    The danger is that whatever the new quality is that you are coveting may not have been a quality that mattered to you originally. It only became important when your previous relationship ended. This relational baggage makes ordinary qualities greater, thus confusing your judgment and actually making you “rush” the relationship and not even be able to recognize true love anymore. I have a friend on Facebook who a month ago was “in a relationship”, then two weeks ago she was single. One week later she was “in a relationship” again and I called to ask if it was with the same person and she was so excited to tell me about this new guy and how wonderful he was. As of today, they are engaged!

    Now I’m not saying that I don’t believe in love at first sight or any of the other fairytales given to us as children. I’m not saying that Hollywood’s boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl again stories aren’t true. What I am saying is that these situations are as rare as hitting the lottery, becoming a professional athlete, becoming the next American Idol or winning an Olympic gold medal. Oh sure you have seen it happen before and you know that it’s possible, but the question here is: Are these scenarios probable?

    Before you try to “hook up” with another, you must first exam yourself. You can’t be “two” if you (or the other person) are not ones.

    We often enter relationships broken, wounded and with baggage. We have high expectations and are afraid to fully give of ourselves. How many times have you seen a relationship where a couple is together, and the guy hasn’t been working since they hooked up. Nine months into the relationship and the guy still hasn’t found ANY work. Before he entered that relationship, he should have mastered the whole job/car/house/independence thing before trying to connect with another. And what of the man who meets a woman who needs more than just a companion? This woman needs a caretaker, lawyer, doctor, sugar daddy and butler – and she’s not afraid to ask for it! Every phone call leads to her asking him to do something for her. She should have worked out all those needs in the beginning, before trying to start a relationship.

    Building a relationship should not be rocket science. It should start off with hesitation and anticipation. There should be long periods of talking and sharing (which is how you actually build the relationship) and a lot of patience.

    Only fools rush in.

  • A Prayer for Mama

    I couldn’t let this holiday go by without remembering everyone’s favorite girl – Mom!

    This is one of the few things in life we all have in common. So in honor of Mother’s Day, let’s celebrate the person, the concept and the substitutes for the work that they have done, are doing and will do.

    To the good mothers who are deceased, we pray that your souls rest in peace until the coming of the Lord. Like the Apostle Paul said in 1 Thessalonians 5:23 – “And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.” The work that you have done and the legacies you have left behind will live in our hearts and minds for generations. Thank you and we will always love you.

    To the good mothers who are living the golden years, we pray that the God of heaven will continue to bless you with years. You hold a special place in our hearts because you are a constant icon of everything that represents the joys in our lives. When we were young it was you who outlasted the great depression and took the lessons learned from it and made sure that we had food, clothing and shelter. You survived WWII and showed us how to make a home, how to stay married and how to love unconditionally. You were able to do a lot with a little and for that, we are eternally grateful.

    To the good mothers who are still raising children, we pray that our Father in heaven will continue to give you the strength and patience to deal with all the “new age” problems facing children today. We thank you for listening. We thank you for the sacrifices. We thank you for not allowing a broken or dysfunctional home to be an excuse for not taking care of the children. We thank you for being able to provide for the family when dad is absent, unemployed or incarcerated. We thank you for being phenomenal women and we love you!

    To the new mothers and mothers to be, we thank you for enlisting in the greatest army of caretakers on the planet. We thank God that you choose to raise children. We thank you for your desire, example and love. We pray that God will give you healthy babies to love and good men to raise them with. We pray that life’s challenges and opportunities don’t sway you from your task. We pray that you take parenting to the next level and educate our kids for a brighter future. Thank you for carrying the torch!

    To the substitutes, step moms and grandmothers, you hold a special place in our hearts and we thank God for putting you right where you were needed. We thank you for bringing peace to troubled situations. We thank you for mending broken homes and relationships. We pray that God will continue to bless the work of your hands and for giving you such a big heart. We love you!

    To the bad mothers, we thank God for you because believe it or not you are exactly what it was going to take to make some folks do better. God used you in a mighty way to allow his grace and mercy to shine through. Despite the wounded souls left in your path, we honor God on this day because His will is perfect. Don’t wonder why you are alone on this day. Go mend the broken relationships. Allow for healing by allowing your heart to be soft toward your sins. Ask for forgiveness. The ones that are hurt have been waiting on it. Once you have learned your lessons, teach others.