ClydeStyle

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  • Restoring virtue back in Father’s Day

    I’m not exactly sure when it happened but fathers have been given a bad deal when compared to their counter parts for decades. The trend seems to follow how dads are viewed on television.

    What I mean is that back in the day we saw strong fathers leading their families, being the bread winner and dishing out the punishments. Dads were revered, respected and trusted. They were the shinning example of what a kid would want to grow up and be like.

    Most today have forgotten the famous dads of old: Ward Cleaver, Andy Griffin, and Ricky Ricardo. They were shortly replaced by Archie Bunker, Fred Sanford and George Jefferson. Then it got much worse with cartoon dads: Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin and good old Bob from Bob’s burgers. The role of dad became comic relief and lost its once shiny posture.

    During all this transformation the family units were broken up and women took the lead roles and became responsible for the whole house. So this is now father’s day weekend and the lowercase “f” was purposeful. In a month where fathers were honored is now sharing the spotlight with gay pride.

    I propose a campaign where fathers are placed back in their rightful positions as the leaders of their homes and a shelter and shield for their families. Women get a big star for attempting to both but look at all the shared responsibilities that come with having a real man standing st the gates of your heart and being the “house band” that he was called to be. Let us salute and encourage fathers everywhere to step into the light and take a bow!

    Happy Father’s Day!!!

  • Disorder danger

    In an effort to provide helpful information for families dealing with trauma, I want to discuss dissociative disorders today. It is very important when parenting to provide a literal safe-haven for your children. Home life should be care-free, loving, supportive and encouraging. It should be a place where your children can feel safe and secure from harm and be able to escape the pressures and worries of life. They need to be a part of an environment that is designed with them in mind.

    Normally at the beginning of their life we make sure the house is safe — especially as they become toddlers and begin to walk. We put things in place so they won’t get hurt. We lock cabinets and plug outlets to ensure safety and we try and have them follow a route everyday so they know what to expect and there are very minimal surprises. As they get older we stop thinking so much about their safety and docus more on their independence. Well, dissociative disorders are mental disorders that involve experiencing a disconnection and lack of continuity between thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions and identity. People with dissociative disorders escape reality in ways that are involuntary and unhealthy and cause problems with functioning in everyday life.

    The cause has to do with trauma normally in their youth. It could be natural disasters, death of a loved one, molestation, physical, emotional or sexual abuse or even war. Because personal identity is still forming during childhood, a child is more able than an adult to step outside of himself or herself and observe trauma as though it’s happening to a different person. A child who learns to dissociate in order to endure a traumatic experience may use this coping mechanism in response to stressful situations throughout life.

    The adult version of this gets worse. The disconnect from emotions starts and is stimulated by stress. Memory loss, a perception of the people and things around you as distorted and unreal and a blurred sense of identity. Significant stress or problems in your relationships, work or other important areas of your life and an inability to cope well with emotional or professional stress. And of course mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts and behaviors will manifest itself in adulthood.

    It’s not all do and gloom though because psychotherapy and or medication have proven to be extremely successful treatments. If we could only move the stigma of mental health counseling being a negative, more people could get help. This condition effects every part of adult life and it makes relationships very difficult. The result end with people seeking alternative ways of dealing with the disorders. They self medicate, use drugs, having eating disorders and major depression.

    There is help available and the people suffering with this disorder are not alone. Seek professional help or visit http://www.clydestyle.org for answers. I am here for you!

  • Enough is enough: To live by the sword is to die by the sword

    You know, I wasn’t going to say anything about the mass shootings. I was hoping that lawmakers would develop a conscience and do the right thing for the people — atleast that’s what Democracy is supposed to be about. A system of government that is by the people and for the people.

    Clearly everyone sees this as a problem. We have had well over 200 mass shootings this year. Mass shooting is defined by the number of people killed. Somewhere, someone came up with the idea that if atleast 4 people get shot, they don’t have to die, it constitute a mass shooting. And we specialize in them.

    Congress has the task of representing “we the people” and sadly the interest of the people is not the interest of Congress. This is not a new problem as lobbying groups and corporate special interest tend to rule our country with the almighty dollar. Part of congress believes that a good guy with a gun trumps a bad guy with a gun. Clearly that’s not the case.

    There were 19 small town officers in Uvalde at the school harassing parents. They must have been afraid to go in so chances are more kids were killed than should have been. There have been copycat shooters in other states while Congress tries to figure out what to do. Our system is failing.

    Meanwhile, Canada is strengthening it’s gun laws because it is the right thing to do. Some countries, like Japan, decided that they had outgrew handguns and following a mass shooting in 1989, the country decided to band guns from their society.

    If America was not so greedy we could solve the gun problem. We have become masters at making money off the suffering of others. A statement needs to be made at the voting polls. What are you prepared to do?

  • The crisis of meaning

    With all the things that have happened since 2020 begin from the beginning of the pandemic to election issues and challenges with democracy, to job creation, gas prices, police shootings and the war in Ukraine, it’s befitting that some folks would start questioning everything and having doubts about who they are, the meaning of life and overall purpose. If you are serious about life, maturity will bring you to this point where you begin to wonder whether or not you have the correct understanding of things or that you really believe what you were told growing up.

    This feeling is difficult. It’s where you begin to search for what life really means to you. This can even be dangerous at times because for some the thought process spirals out of control to the point where they actually believe in their heart that the world would be a better place without them. Some begin to suffer severe depression based on their new found discoveries about life or themselves. This is the time when reality becomes real.

    It seems that tragedy brings about these thoughts. It normally happens when you feel the world around you is closing in on you. Things begin the change around you too fast and for a long time you have not been happy. There is a word for this. It is called an existential crisis.

    Formally, in psychology and psychotherapy, existential crises are inner conflicts characterized by the impression that life lacks meaning. These conflicts will keep you up at night. They will also make you cry, feel depressed and even betrayed.

    The year is halfway over and depending how 2022 has treated you, you might find yourself dealing with this now. If you are I want to give you some tips to make it through successfully. The first thing is you need someone who you trust. This is a person who will keep your confidence and is a good listener. You DO NOT need someone to tell you want to do or what to think — this was probably the problem in the beginning. You need a guide. This would be someone who you believe is living the life you hope to have. It’s an experienced person so they wouldn’t necessarily be in your age range. Look to the immediate generation ahead of you.

    You also must be honest about your feelings. I had a client that discovered that she had quite a few relatives who were racist and that she hated those views but was conflicted because these were family members she loved. Their views were not her views but since they had the same DNA she felt that she must be racist too. It took us some time but she discovered she could pick and choose the parts of her family she loved and hated and for her to remain balanced, she had to speak out against the behavior she hated and embrace the person with love.

    The final stage is to take your time. The process could take months or years to complete. You will make progress along the way but it should not be rushed and the purpose of it all is for you to become a better you!

  • The myth of making up lost time

    There are some folks who believe that they can make up time. They kick up a lot of dirt to make it look like something is happening and then there is nothing.

    You cannot make up time, all you can do is try to let it get lost. How does it happen? Neglect, poor planning, ignorance, slothfulness and anger are a few habitual contributors to the lost of time. Human error is always the problem and the fix for it does not occur in the midst of more time. It comes in post production where the time correction is discovered and made known to all who are involved.

    What needs to happen is the one who is responsible for losing the time needs to acknowledge such and make preparations to never allow it to happen for the same reason again.

    You cannot make up time no more than you can unsee a tragedy. We attempt to try and make it up because we all see and can relate to the unfairness of it all. It’s a permanent action that leaves a permanent scare. There are children who are struggling because they were cheated out of time. There are people stuck in relationships that have been nothing but a big waste of time. There are people who have gotten divorced and the circumstances were not favorable to all parties so someone has been purged of time. Companies have tons of lazy employees that such the business dry of time. There are teachers who are tired and disgruntled who are stealing quality time from our kids.

    People have died too early or too late. So called friends have wasted our time as well. Pastors are wasting time and social media is a waste of time. When we die, it would be a shamed to look back at your life and realize that if you had back all the time you wasted you would be alive for another decade. A recent university study confirmed that humans waste 21.8 hours a week. This seems like a really bad waste of life. So instead of trying to redeem the time, we need to focus on the present and what is to come instead of what’s lost in the past.

  • Self-check time!!!

    I don’t know anybody who likes to be proven wrong. I mean imagine going full throttle in the wrong direction or with the wrong understanding. Some of us are really bold with this. Now there are a couple of different types of people who do this. The first is the one who cannot admit that they were wrong. They put themselves out their so far and look so ridiculous attempting to act like nothing happen.

    Then we have the type that becomes angry and violent once they realize they looked stupid. They will through a temper tantrum to deal with the embarrassment of sticking their foot in their mouth. Next is the type that blames others for their mistakes. They will quickly play the blame game as soon as they feel the consequences of their actions.

    Finally, there is a type that acts like it never happened. They just don’t ever speak of it hoping that it will go away. These types wouldn’t have to exist if we all did a self check. We need to make sure that the information we use to make decisions is correct. We have to be more accountable on the front end to save integrity on the back end. You must ask do I have all of the facts? Am I seeing the full picture? Are my sources credible? Am I emotional involved in this decision? Can I live with the outcome?

    It is definitely worth the time to get the facts straight. In addition we need to surround ourselves with people who would give us the truth. And above every thing else, we need to learn how to give a genuinely sincere apology — people heal faster that way.

  • The big Break up

    The Stylistics made the song “Break up to make up” famous! Saying, “First you love me, then you hate me, that’s a game for fools.” Probably the worst thing about breaking up is that in the beginning it leaves you so empty. There is a brand new void that needs to be filled. Some embrace the void as pain that quickly leads to depression. Others look to fill the void immediately often dragging someone new into the picture which isn’t fair to the newcomer.

    What makes relationships so hard is that we all have somewhat of a hidden complex about ourselves. Things like personal quirks that we feel we can’t be honest about. We have feelings we can’t share for fear of being judged. We don’t want anyone to know we’re insecure. Then there are people that are so afraid of being hurt again that they can’t be transparent in a new relationship. There are so many dynamics, but with most of them good communication and honesty fixes most of them.

    Assumptions are another great relationship killer. And mind you these things hurt over time. The first 40 assumptions aren’t enough to kill a relationship. It’s the next 200 of them that does it. Then you start factoring in all the wasted time. All your fears about breaking up come to light and that space you don’t enjoy — the emptiness is surrounding you again.

    Well, if you have ended a relationship recently let’s try to pick up the pieces. First, if you think it’s all your fault — it is! Not ALL because it takes 2 people for a relationship. You definitely need to own a percentage of the break up. But who’s fault it is doesn’t matter now because it’s over … right???

    What matters now is that we learn from what happened and own our dysfunction. Some people enter a relationship still broken from a previous one. You can not give yourself wholly to a person when you are broken. You must heal first. Some people just don’t like to be alone. They jump around from person to person when they really need to get a dog — or some other pet and heal.

    There are also areas that need improvement. All improvements must be made for only one reason — because you want to make them for yourself. If you were informed in a previous relationship that you were selfish, you have to decide if you believe that to be true. Any changes you make has to be because you want it. If not, it will not be genuine.

    Slowing the dating process waaaaaay down is also a must as you must give things time to develop. When you meet a new person you are instantly in discovery mode. Give it time. Before you start making new commitments you must heal from the past and know what characteristics you like before you meet someone and don’t compromise them.

    If you are really looking for a long- term committed relationship, you need to seek spiritual guidance for this is the highest point of mankind’s intellect. Glorify God in every aspect of the relationship and if it ends, you will land on your feet! Now, make sure you take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally in order to recover from the break up. Give it time. You will get better!

  • A special role: Mother

    Guest written by Valerie M. Whittaker

    Happy Mother’s Day to all of the mothers and to you who serve as mothers!

    Webster’s Dictionary describes the verb tense of the word mother as, “to give birth to; to give rise to {to cause to happen}; produce.” I love those phrases!

    Mothers, we are life givers.  What an honor! What a privilege! Almighty God could have brought new life into this world any way He wanted but He created us, the female, to be his vessel through whom He brings new life into the world!

    Mothers, I want you to remember our role in the Earth; we are life-givers, producers and we cause things to happen! But our role doesn’t end when we give birth to the baby.  As a life giver, we nurture our children, we protect our children, we instruct our children, and we speak life and good things into our children! We give rise to Presidents and world leaders and produce wonderful, hard-working, law-abiding citizens. We are awesome!  

    Maybe you’re feeling unappreciated today; maybe you feel as if those you love are too busy for you or just don’t care about you the way that you care about them. Be encouraged, mother! God chose YOU! And as a life-giver, don’t allow dead things in your life to stay that way!

    Strained relationship? YOU are the life-giver, so be the one to apologize, to forgive, and give life to that thing! Feeling as if your life is stagnant? YOU are the life-giver, so start or join a book club, find a new hobby (I just took tennis lessons and I had a ball!), volunteer at your local hospital, join a life group at your church.  Birth new life into your old one! Is your loved one struggling in some area? YOU are the life-giver, so speak life into them and be that one who always speaks encouraging words to them.  

    Some of us are young mothers, some are older mothers; some of us dropped out of school at a young age, some of us have Ph.Ds.  Some of us are single mothers, some of us have wonderful partners to help us on this motherhood journey.  Whatever your lot in life, mother, you have God-given power to create life.  You are a beautiful vessel of life! Please remember that!

    So let’s go! There is always something around us that could use new life.  Find that thing, create the new life, use your power, mother! There is always more mothering to do!

    Mother, I appreciate you! I love you! I’m cheering for you!

    Much Love, Mother!

    Valerie

  • A network of togetherness

    There is something to be said for being together. Our closeness or unity or connection to another person or group of folks quenches the thirsty we have for belonging. As humans we need to be a part of something — good or bad we need to belong. We yearn for inclusion and to be entangled with other people.

    Togetherness is defined as a state or feeling of closeness and happiness among people who are together as friends, family members, etc. Some have several groups they associate with. In these groups you should find all you need to balance your life such as encouragement, support, wisdom, intimacy, family, networking and entertainment.

    Togetherness is so important that we should have a societal rule that everyone must be a part of a crew. You choose your own crew but your Togetherness will also be charged for trouble you get in. That alone would make us choose our friends more closely and truly be our brothers keeper!

    Togetherness greatly helps with mental health issues and it single handedly lowers suicide rates. In fact, overall crime goes down in areas where people cluster together in unity. Many foreigners to this country take their togetherness to a foreign land and excel! They live in close quarters together for a time to save money and get ahead. So two families may move together and live together here. All able-bodied individuals work and the money made is shared with the cluster. Each family helps the other get ahead and they slowly bring in more families as others advance.

    This just proves that we are better together. We were created to be a part of a pair that would have the ability to increase it’s nunber and the. They would all work together and look out for each other. We also call this a family!

    I remember the crew I had in junior high, high school and college. Then I had a different group of professionals when I entered the workforce. As far back as I can recall, I have never existed without a crew. And all of my groups were successful. How about you my friends? Do you have a crew? Do you support your crew? Is your group successful? Can you rely on them? These are very important questions if you plan to get by with a little help from your friends!

  • You have real meaning with me

    Every now and then we should recognize those in our lives who help make things work. I’m taking about friends, family and co-workers that seem to be living part of their lives for you. They make sure you’re ok. They think of the small things you need and handle them. They are ready to throw hands for you and they always have an encouraging word.

    When it comes to you these people always see the glass half full. They are your built-in cheering team. In the world we live in everybody needs a supporting entourage. The point of this blog is that the people who are that for you need to be celebrated — more than once. It would be hard to imagine not having these unsung heroes in your life. There are many who are not blessed to have the right support network and they fall under the weight and pressures of the world.

    I owe the majority of my success in life to people who thought enough of me to make sure my “T’s” were crossed and my “I’s” were dotted. I could bounce ideas off these folks, they did the majority of my research and they helped me to be who I was meant to be. For me it’s the little things as these do-gooders made sure I ate healthy, had plenty of sleep, had plenty of relaxation and although I solved all the problems, I never did it alone.

    It’s important for people not to feel taken advantage of or feel that their work is in vain. These people aren’t looking for credit or any fame … they just believe in you. How do you let them know that they have real meaning in your life? If you take these people for granted you will find yourself by yourself!

    The great guru Bruce Lee said that words are energy and are like casting spells (this is why it’s called spelling) and you will become who you say you are. All positive people with have lots of positivity in their lives. The converse is also true. So express yourself in the most humble way you know how and let those in your corner know that you see their work and acknowledge their efforts!