In the battle of love it seems as though each partner hangs on to some of the hurt from the last encounter and brings the hurt to the next one. For example if I offend my wife in an interaction and she never let’s on that she was offended, on the next encounter she will bring that hurt to the negotiation table of her mind, to decide how she is going to deal with me.
At that meeting of the minds the good in her wants to help me or treat me kind, the bad in her wants to leave me helpless or needing. The God in her wants to actually do something to change things in a positive way for me and then the devil in her says it’s time for payback. These 4 are regular members at the table and the ones she feeds more has the stronger voice. Today though, the devil got a playmate because the previous interaction I had with her, left her feeling a certain kind of way. Uncomfortable, hurt even and it made her feel like maybe I don’t care — if you want to base a 25 year relationship on one incident.
That extra playmate doesn’t play well and the results of the table meeting don’t go in my favor. I’m not treated well and it’s mostly because of her paying me back for our past. I do the same to her. This is how relationships dwell in western culture. Tit for tat, butter for fat, if you kick my dog, I’ll kick your cat.
It is essential for us to be whole and by any means necessary we will move toward wholeness at our partners expense.
Think of your last encounter and how it made you feel. If the feeling is good then what an encouragement it will be for those feelings to enter the meeting of the minds. But if it was bad, you have a decision to make — whether to let it fester and continue to onslaught against the one you pledged to love or communicate your feelings in a constructive way so that you each reach wholeness together.