ClydeStyle

Category: Grief

  • Grieving doesn’t have to ruin Christmas

    Every year, without fail, some family is dealing with the loss of a loved one, and it is their first holiday season without the deceased.

    It hurts. There is a serious sense of loss, confusion, anxiety, and sadness. The world has moved on where these families are stuck in time… grieving.

    The following are some real solutions to how to handle this difficult time. Tradition is very powerful, and in our subconscious, we want to make this time of the year as normal as possible. But we don’t have to. The acknowledgment that your family is experiencing one of life’s difficulties is therapeutic. In times like these, we should listen to our bodies. The body will let you know what it can handle.

    1) Cancel Christmas! Treat Santa like you do when you don’t want to participate in trick or treat festivities. You just simply turn your porch light off! Don’t even put up a tree. Christmas will be over before you know it. This gives you the time to reflect and put some things in perspective.

    2) Embrace the alone time and quietness. You have full permission to cry and be alone — there is nothing wrong with that. Especially if you use the time wisely. You always need time to plan and think about your path forward. There may need to be changes made. This is the time to do it! It’s like you’re hibernating until the new year!

    3) Huddle up! This is where you gather together in one place the remaining people who serve a major purpose in your life and you spend the holiday in memory and in celebration of who you lost. This is the private time where each person let’s the other know how important they are, and you can Christmas as a time to express it!

    4) Get out! It’s time to take that special trip you have been wanting to take. Traveling can be very therapeutic, especially if you go to a place that does not celebrate the holidays as we do. This will allow you to retool, relax, and grieve peacefully.

    5) Create and memorial or ritual. This is something you create to honor your loved one. You might plant a tree, create a new ritual, and spend time with specific people. The point is two things: to establish a memorial and bond with close friends.

    Whatever you choose to do, listen to your body. Make sure you eat, get rest, and don’t be afraid to be sad.

  • The season of Gratitude

    December is here! We made it! This time of the year is really different for people in mourning. Whether you’re mourning the death of a person, place or thing it’s hard to be the celebratory happy that this season demands because of your grief.

    To maintain good mental health you need to make sure that you get plenty of sleep and drink plenty of water. You must allow yourself time to be alone and make friends with the quiet.

    It’s important to validate your own feelings and take responsibility for your own happiness. Surround yourself with positive people who are doing incredible things.

    You also need a plan moving forward. It doesn’t mean you must plan to replace what was lost but it’s not a bad idea to consider the options. It also helps to assist others in their pursuit of happiness and even make someone else’s day if you can.

    And above everything else, thank God for what has happened, what tragedies didn’t happen and all the other things the creator consistently provided during this year. You deserve to be happy at times and to be loved and we serve a God that never stops loving us and provides all of our comfort! Trust him and be thankful!

  • The big Break up

    The Stylistics made the song “Break up to make up” famous! Saying, “First you love me, then you hate me, that’s a game for fools.” Probably the worst thing about breaking up is that in the beginning it leaves you so empty. There is a brand new void that needs to be filled. Some embrace the void as pain that quickly leads to depression. Others look to fill the void immediately often dragging someone new into the picture which isn’t fair to the newcomer.

    What makes relationships so hard is that we all have somewhat of a hidden complex about ourselves. Things like personal quirks that we feel we can’t be honest about. We have feelings we can’t share for fear of being judged. We don’t want anyone to know we’re insecure. Then there are people that are so afraid of being hurt again that they can’t be transparent in a new relationship. There are so many dynamics, but with most of them good communication and honesty fixes most of them.

    Assumptions are another great relationship killer. And mind you these things hurt over time. The first 40 assumptions aren’t enough to kill a relationship. It’s the next 200 of them that does it. Then you start factoring in all the wasted time. All your fears about breaking up come to light and that space you don’t enjoy — the emptiness is surrounding you again.

    Well, if you have ended a relationship recently let’s try to pick up the pieces. First, if you think it’s all your fault — it is! Not ALL because it takes 2 people for a relationship. You definitely need to own a percentage of the break up. But who’s fault it is doesn’t matter now because it’s over … right???

    What matters now is that we learn from what happened and own our dysfunction. Some people enter a relationship still broken from a previous one. You can not give yourself wholly to a person when you are broken. You must heal first. Some people just don’t like to be alone. They jump around from person to person when they really need to get a dog — or some other pet and heal.

    There are also areas that need improvement. All improvements must be made for only one reason — because you want to make them for yourself. If you were informed in a previous relationship that you were selfish, you have to decide if you believe that to be true. Any changes you make has to be because you want it. If not, it will not be genuine.

    Slowing the dating process waaaaaay down is also a must as you must give things time to develop. When you meet a new person you are instantly in discovery mode. Give it time. Before you start making new commitments you must heal from the past and know what characteristics you like before you meet someone and don’t compromise them.

    If you are really looking for a long- term committed relationship, you need to seek spiritual guidance for this is the highest point of mankind’s intellect. Glorify God in every aspect of the relationship and if it ends, you will land on your feet! Now, make sure you take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally in order to recover from the break up. Give it time. You will get better!

  • Living With regret

    I must admit that I don’t normally watch the Oscars, but I am a fan of the industry and I absolutely love Chris Rock and Will Smith. I would like to believe that these two guys would be friends of mine if they were not famous and lived near me. We are in the same age bracket and have a lot of similar qualities.

    Now with that said, I was going to be disappointed in both men for their actions. I was also going to be embarrassed by the actions of both as an African-American male because of the stereo-types that will follow as a result of what happened. And then I wanted to write a blog and explain all the things that they did wrong. Then it dawned on me that context is everything and I was putting these two men in a category they do not belong.

    What I mean by context is that we are witnessing the results of previous interactions we don’t understand or have no full knowledge of. It’s disappointing that the interaction we saw was violent but there is much more to this situation that we may never know about. In addition, if this were just two average men (any race) and one had slapped another it would not have made the news and we wouldn’t be discussing it. Their fame made this newsworthy.

    We place people in categories, sometimes sub consciously, but in our minds we decide whether a person is good, bad, ugly, charismatic, funny or talented among other things. We develop beliefs about these people based on the categories and then expectations are set. Then we become disappointed when our heroes (in this case) do not match the consistency of our expectations. This is what is happening with all the commentary posted on social media.

    What should happen is we realize the truth about what we saw: the fact that these two humans were placed in a human scenario and both had an opportunity to do good, but failed. I truly believe if they had a do-over they could make a better decision. But above everything they proved that they are human and that they are flawed. If they were placed in the “flawed human” category from the beginning, then this interaction would not dominate the news cycle.

    Shout out to Tyler Perry, Denzel Washington and others who tried to bring healing to the situation. Believe it or not, sometimes things are allowed to happened for the purposes of seeing what others would do. God uses this tactic more often than you think. So I wondered how many people thought to pray when the incident happened? I wonder how many others were willing to do what they could to bring healing to this situation? Both Smith and Rock will have many private interactions following this incident. I wonder how many of those conversations would be with people who are trying to honor God in the moment?

    It’s sad when your own actions cause you to live with regret. Every time Will looks at his Oscar, the memory of the slap will come into focus. Every Oscar ceremony from this point on will remember the slap. How many business deals will not happen for these two because of this incident? Have they made peace with their God? Michelle Obama rightfully said that when they go low we go high. Going high requires us to process things in the highest part of our brains — and that’s our spiritual side. I pray the learning curve happens for all who are involved.

  • Suffering with midsummer depression…

    Suffering with midsummer depression…

    Everyone seems to be enjoying the beautiful summer weather but you. The idea of taking in the sights and getting some sun or taking a trip or even going to get ice cream just doesn’t seem appealing to you.

    You begin avoiding people because they keep asking you what’s wrong. You stay in bed, don’t shave, lessen communication with your usual circle of friends and there is no desire to eat. Or you actually could be eating a lot or sleeping a lot — the point is you have no balance, you are living on the extremes.

    Nothing hurts at least that can be measured. You either have a broken heart or a shaky mind.

    Clearly you are depressed.

    Seasons can actually do that to you. The year is not going like you think it should. There are ongoing problems that tend to be getting out of hand. You’re in a bad relationship and it’s wearing you down or just life itself is getting too difficult.

    During this time it feels like this is only happening to you. The silence in your life is more like a fog that is coming to make you sad. It’s chasing you and making it difficult for you to escape.

    Here are the top 5 things you need to force yourself to do when you are depressed.

    1) You need a confidant who doesn’t solve problems for you, they just listen and support you. They get you out of the house for a break and keep you connected to the non-depressed world. You’re living on the depressed side. This person can be trusted and you know they have your best interest at heart.

    2) You have to exercise…everyday. you need to break a sweat to release some of that negative energy and help balance your hormones. You need exercise to help you with step 3 as well, so pick something that will tire you out.

    3) You need sleep. Find the right amount based on your age. If your magic number is 8 hours then make sure that’s all you get. Not 5 or 6 hours and not 10 to 12 hours. Eight is your number.

    4) Drink half your body weight in water and try to avoid sugar and artificial sweeteners. It would be great to cancel added sugars in your diet for 10 days. You want to stay hydrated and not have anything that gives you highs and lows.

    5) Eat healthy. Plant-based whole foods are best. If you can, only eat meat once a day. So you might have fruit and oatmeal for breakfast. A huge salad for lunch that includes seeds, nuts, fruit, lots of green leaves with carrots and olives. Your snacks for the day would be granola, fruit and trail mix. Then dinner could be a vegetable, sweet potato or brown rice and your meat of choice. But whatever you do, don’t eat after 9pm or 3 hours before bed.

    Need any additional support contact me.

  • Failed expectations

    Failed expectations

    There are people in this world that imitate animals. You have the Alpha Male who figures the Lion. Gentle giant men have the image of the grizzly bear and then there are the people who love to act like snakes, rats or chameleons. These are the people who have no problem betraying others. There is no level of consciousness that is disturbed by their distrust.

    Betrayal comes from expectations that are not met. It’s the breaking on trust and the vengeance from misunderstanding.

    In Greek Mythology Jason was with Medea and they had kids together and everything. All of a sudden he decides to leave her with the kids stating that they were not married anyway. Jason was off to marry a local king’s daughter. To pay him back Medea kills the kids.

    Benedict Arnold fought side by side with George Washington and had his trust. He was considered a trusted soldier and friend to Washington until he defected to the British in 1780. Arnold went down in history as a symbol of betrayal.

    The question this blog asks is how does it feel to betray someone? How does it feel in your heart? How does it feel just before the betrayal is realized? How do you live with yourself? What kind of person do you have to be to overcome the negative feelings of betrayal? What will your conscious allow?

    It’s clear that your spirit has to settle into being a rat or a snake, but is there any coming back from that? Mr. Arnold would probably tell you no, there is no coming back. The anger towards those that betray always seems to be met with death — whether that be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. Hopefully, we can avoid this concept and realize the opposite is greater. Let loyalty ring!

  • Spread real love

    image

    The abstract has much more depth than the concrete. Yet the only reason that we covet the concrete is because we can see it.

    What we see will be destroyed. So why do we covet what we see? We even take beautiful abstract concepts and ruin them by making their focus on the object of the abstract. Let me make this simpler: Some people will love a person and make the thrust or emphasis of their love on the person, instead of the concept of love. So then when the relationship ends or the person being loved does not measure up to the expectations of the one loving, the relationship ends and the person loving says I’m not going to love anymore. Or say two people are madly in love and one dies. The one still alive chooses not to get involved in a love relationship anymore because it’s too painful.

    You see, love is not the source of the pain or anger in either case. Failed expectations and grief respectively are the culprits in those cases, but love was blamed. Love never changed in either case. Love can still be developed and should still be resolute. It should be locked and loaded for the next episode. Not tossed aside like a smoking gun that killed the relationship.

    image

    So what if we kept this in perspective. Love is for the mature anyway. Most teens and young adults are not mature enough to even use the word properly let alone be in what they would describe as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

    We should keep love pure. It was never meant to be conditional. It was never meant for profit and it should never be associated with negative acts. Love is an everlasting stream of God in you. It will never do you any harm and will save you from a lot of hurt. So love freely, love often and love everybody unconditionally — it’s the God in you!

  • Good grief?

    Now that the funeral is over it seems like the world has moved on. The problem with that is you are still stuck. Stuck in a pit of sorrow as your loved one is gone and there is nothing you can do to change that.

    You have become angry and depressed about what is happening to you. In the same breath you have the feeling of abandonment from your friends and maybe even family. No one makes a fuss after the funeral. It’s just you and your grief. And you’ve been running away from it ever since your loved one took their last breath.

    Grieving is such a normal process. It is really as normal as a laugh, an itch or a sneeze. What all these things have in common with grieving is that our bodies react to them all — yes even your grief.

    So that means that sometimes you will have mood swings. A commercial or song will stop you in your tracks because it will remind you of a moment from the past. There will be days of sorrow that will keep you inside on a very sunny day. There will be times when you don’t feel like doing anything. You won’t even answer your phone. The loneliest times will be when you begin to covet someone else’s happiness as if you’ll never have your own — and this is normal.

    What you have to do is push yourself to move forward. Let those around know that crying is healthy and you may start crying, but you are okay. You just need a timeout and then you can resume. Make every effort to strengthen the relationships with your loved ones who are among the living. This becomes your new focus. With every death, a family should love more. Each death should make us all strive to live each day to the fullest because tomorrow is not promised. We should live as to leave no doubt of the love we have for our family and friends.

    You see, grief is not the absence of happiness, but the presence of healing and you need to allow the grief process to do the work it was designed to do. I tell you this: If grieving is your storm, then God is in the eye of it waiting for you. Allow our creator to recreate somethings in you that you though were lost. Allow the greatest engineer ever to design a stronger heart for you. This new heart loves more, laughs more and cries more. It’s more compassionate than the last and is unconditional. This heart will be born from your grief.

    Allow the Potter to have his way with the clay. A better you awaits and its all because of grief! I guess Charlie Brown had it right when he said, “Good grief!”

  • So what I’m trying to say is . . .

    20131102-143119.jpg

    In January we tried to start the year new.

    February was the month to build new relationships or strengthen old ones with the help of cupid. It didn’t work.

    In 2013 March brought us the memory of the resurrection as we pondered our relationship with the cross. We felt guilty.

    April always fools us. We’re fooled by people and things and we suffer loss of income, respect and dignity.

    In May and June we remembered our parents, but failed to do anything more meaningful than a visit. We try, and try and try and there just isn’t enough time in a day. These visit are probably the most sincere things we’ll attempt all year, but we have a hard time going beyond that.

    We celebrated our independence in July. The freedoms we enjoy allowed us to over spend, over indulge and over react. We came out of the month with one truth — it’s hotter than hell in July.

    August meant nothing to us. Only emptiness and uncertainty wondering what the rest of the year would bring….

    September was a reminder that we have to work. We must work for our living and work to pay taxes for other people’s living and work to support our government. The ninth month reminds us that there is no rest from our labors.

    October is full of tricks and lies. It lies about the treats because they never existed. And all that’s left is tricks. We live in a world full of unmet expectations and unused potential. The only thing that really happens in the month is that we get tricked.

    November we’re supposed to be thankful and in December we are supposed to be at peace. That doesn’t happen either so all we get is tricked.

    Sooooooooo,

    Dear significant other,

    Since I regularly participate in May and June, I won’t April you. I’m December and I’m November so despite what happens in September, October and August, our February will be July. So let’s January!