ClydeStyle

Tag: Relationships

  • Are you a true believer in love?

    Neil Diamond wrote the song “I’m a believer” in 1966, and the Monkees performed it with Mickey Dolenz as the lead singer. It was a song about falling in love and the assurance of knowing that exact moment when the feeling was birthed.

    It is a great feeling to be in love. Out of all the things in the world that can be experienced, love has to be the best. When someone feels love, it’s like a superpower. You feel like you can do anything! It seems that dreams can become a reality, and all is right with the world.

    In like fashion, it seems that the world comes to an end when love is gone. The feeling of missing love is bitter. The sadness is covetous and touches every part of your life. You can’t eat or sleep, and nothing feels the same.

    This power of love has been misused and is still the deadliest costume to where in that someone can pretend to love you, not love you. Love has been misunderstood as infatuation, like, admiration, and lust.

    There are people who say they love you for what they can get out of you, and love is also used to control you.

    This blog is for those who are really in love. There are no holidays in August, but this is a good time to let your number one love know their position in the universe. Let’s make today, August 19, 2023, the inaugural Lover’s Day. On this day we celebrate love, with the one you love. This day is exclusive — meaning you don’t spend it out in public at a restaurant or movie.

    Lover’s Day is exclusive, and it is only spent mono e mono! It’s an interruption in your daily life to spend quality time alone. It’s a time of reflection, renewal, and rest. It’s a time to express love, enjoy being alive with your love, and enjoy a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual entanglement for 24 hours. There is no need for gifts because YOU are the gift!

    Spread the word!

  • Oh boy, here comes another Valentine’s Day

    Don’t get me wrong — there is nothing wrong with the concept of Valentine’s Day. I mean how could celebrating your sweetie be a bad thing?

    Couples across the nation will celebrate this holiday having dinner, buying gifts, getting all dolled up to make this night special and to renew or refresh their relationship. So why do we need a holiday for that? We need a holiday to tell us not to fight and argue with each other? We need a holiday to tell us we should be nice and not take our partners for granted? We need a holiday to make up?

    Shouldn’t all of these things happen organically? The holiday means nothing if the behaviors and activities on that day don’t match the rest of the year. It’s a miserable life if you need a reminder to do these things. You’re living too fast! You need to set a new pace that allows you to enjoy the things in life that really matter.

    Happily married couples or mature dating partners don’t even celebrate the holiday because chances are they did whatever people celebrating the holiday did yesterday or last weekend. What they do is stay home and make jokes about all the couples out spending money, buying flowers that cost twice as much as they did last weekend, eating at expensive restaurants and making social media posts to prove their love to each other.

    Tammi Terrell and Marvin Gaye sang a song called “Ain’t nothing like the real thing”. It’s worth a listen not just because it’s a great song but it reminds us what it’s like to yearn for someone and truly be in love. It’s a reminder that life is like a vapor that appears for just a little while and then vanishes away.

    Valentine’s Day is a holiday for the folks that don’t have a good grasp on the concept of relationships. It’s for all the newbies who are still trying to figure it out because the faithful don’t celebrate it, they live it!

  • The big Break up

    The Stylistics made the song “Break up to make up” famous! Saying, “First you love me, then you hate me, that’s a game for fools.” Probably the worst thing about breaking up is that in the beginning it leaves you so empty. There is a brand new void that needs to be filled. Some embrace the void as pain that quickly leads to depression. Others look to fill the void immediately often dragging someone new into the picture which isn’t fair to the newcomer.

    What makes relationships so hard is that we all have somewhat of a hidden complex about ourselves. Things like personal quirks that we feel we can’t be honest about. We have feelings we can’t share for fear of being judged. We don’t want anyone to know we’re insecure. Then there are people that are so afraid of being hurt again that they can’t be transparent in a new relationship. There are so many dynamics, but with most of them good communication and honesty fixes most of them.

    Assumptions are another great relationship killer. And mind you these things hurt over time. The first 40 assumptions aren’t enough to kill a relationship. It’s the next 200 of them that does it. Then you start factoring in all the wasted time. All your fears about breaking up come to light and that space you don’t enjoy — the emptiness is surrounding you again.

    Well, if you have ended a relationship recently let’s try to pick up the pieces. First, if you think it’s all your fault — it is! Not ALL because it takes 2 people for a relationship. You definitely need to own a percentage of the break up. But who’s fault it is doesn’t matter now because it’s over … right???

    What matters now is that we learn from what happened and own our dysfunction. Some people enter a relationship still broken from a previous one. You can not give yourself wholly to a person when you are broken. You must heal first. Some people just don’t like to be alone. They jump around from person to person when they really need to get a dog — or some other pet and heal.

    There are also areas that need improvement. All improvements must be made for only one reason — because you want to make them for yourself. If you were informed in a previous relationship that you were selfish, you have to decide if you believe that to be true. Any changes you make has to be because you want it. If not, it will not be genuine.

    Slowing the dating process waaaaaay down is also a must as you must give things time to develop. When you meet a new person you are instantly in discovery mode. Give it time. Before you start making new commitments you must heal from the past and know what characteristics you like before you meet someone and don’t compromise them.

    If you are really looking for a long- term committed relationship, you need to seek spiritual guidance for this is the highest point of mankind’s intellect. Glorify God in every aspect of the relationship and if it ends, you will land on your feet! Now, make sure you take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally in order to recover from the break up. Give it time. You will get better!

  • A network of togetherness

    There is something to be said for being together. Our closeness or unity or connection to another person or group of folks quenches the thirsty we have for belonging. As humans we need to be a part of something — good or bad we need to belong. We yearn for inclusion and to be entangled with other people.

    Togetherness is defined as a state or feeling of closeness and happiness among people who are together as friends, family members, etc. Some have several groups they associate with. In these groups you should find all you need to balance your life such as encouragement, support, wisdom, intimacy, family, networking and entertainment.

    Togetherness is so important that we should have a societal rule that everyone must be a part of a crew. You choose your own crew but your Togetherness will also be charged for trouble you get in. That alone would make us choose our friends more closely and truly be our brothers keeper!

    Togetherness greatly helps with mental health issues and it single handedly lowers suicide rates. In fact, overall crime goes down in areas where people cluster together in unity. Many foreigners to this country take their togetherness to a foreign land and excel! They live in close quarters together for a time to save money and get ahead. So two families may move together and live together here. All able-bodied individuals work and the money made is shared with the cluster. Each family helps the other get ahead and they slowly bring in more families as others advance.

    This just proves that we are better together. We were created to be a part of a pair that would have the ability to increase it’s nunber and the. They would all work together and look out for each other. We also call this a family!

    I remember the crew I had in junior high, high school and college. Then I had a different group of professionals when I entered the workforce. As far back as I can recall, I have never existed without a crew. And all of my groups were successful. How about you my friends? Do you have a crew? Do you support your crew? Is your group successful? Can you rely on them? These are very important questions if you plan to get by with a little help from your friends!

  • Being a friend

    There seems to be a shortage of true friends in this world. Social media can be down right evil sometimes. It gives everyone a reality show and truth be told, every thing that goes on in your life is not meant for prime time! You see, social media just wants the “show”. And they will use your life, identity, click bait and other avenues just to keep people watching so money can be made off the advertisements.

    This is where the true friend should come in. Your close friend is supposed to be a person who has proven that you can trust them, lean on them, be vulnerable with them and just be your entire self — good or bad– with them. The friend is the one who stops you from making stupid decisions that could lead to your demise. Your friend is supposed to be the eyes in the back of your head, the hell raiser when times get really bad and your defender when needed. Based on what we can see daily on just one social medium is enough to say we are failing at being true friends.

    When I see an embarrassing moment on social media I immediately think to myself, “Oh, if they just had a real friend.” I see women and men make completely idiots of themselves and become the entertainment for the world because they struggled to deal with some relationship issue. Someone treated them wrong, or made them look like a fool or both. These hurt people then go before the social media gods seeking approval, sympathy and support for their troubles. But all they become is a sideshow of comedy for people who could care less about the truth or the real story of what happened in your life.

    A friend is supposed to stop you from looking like an idiot. Social media is NOT your friend. So the next time you see some foolishness online that makes you shake your head or laugh out loud, think about the absence of that friend who could have prevented all the foolishness. If you are one of those people who believe telling all your business on social media is acceptable, please understand NOBODY CARES. I know you think you are telling it to a group of folks who carry the label of your “friends” but it really is just in name only. Even if you have the maximum of 5000 friends on your list, the lion’s share of them still don’t care.

    Don’t believe me? Go on Facebook and ask everyone on your friends list to send you $1 and see if the amount you receive matches your total number of friends. I promise you it won’t come close!

  • I’m baaaack!

    Yes. The headline is true. I have started writing again. I’m older, wiser and I have lived. I’m been through comedy and tragedy and I’m now back to share the experiences. Some of the experience will be spiritual and others will feel like therapy but it’s all being done to build you up and give thought-provoking commentary.

    There are more books in the works as well as a podcast. I am even working on an R&B band and a cooking channel. I am praying that these things will be a blessing to all.

    So for my first blog back I just want to share a bit about judging others. It seems that we are extremely hypocritical about this category because everyone has an opinion, but that only seems to apply when YOU are giving the commentary. It doesn’t feel so good when it flows the other way. The problem with judging is that it allows us to elevate our own sense of self-worth over another. What gives you the right to judge? It’s because I feel I have something very important to say … because I am that important. It seems that instead of the bias commentary, we ought to be engaged in helping.

    The bible says it this way: “If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.”
    Galatians 6:3 NLT
    https://bible.com/bible/116/gal.6.3.NLT

    The point here is that since we have the energy to burn, why not use it to build someone up instead of tearing them down.

  • Birthdays are bigger than we think

    I think we all know people who, when asked about their birthday, say that they don’t celebrate it anymore or that it’s just not a big deal.

    What are we really saying about ourselves when we make these statements?

    One of the things I love about spring is that in addition to the season in the Midwest beginning to change, I have two lovely daughters who celebrate birthdays in March and in April.

    My girls are special to me. They know that they are special, but on their birthdays, I have an extra opportunity to celebrate the fact that they exist.

    This is a fact of life that is often overlooked in childrearing.

    The stability, security and self-esteem for any daughter are wrapped up in her daddy. A father is the first man that a daughter should be in love with. The number one reason is because this would be the daughter’s first taste of TRUE love – unconditional, never-ending, God-like love.

    Codependent women, for the most part, did not experience a strong interpersonal relationship with their fathers.

    I have counseled a variety of women who have said that even when their father was there, he really wasn’t there. He lived at the house, they ate dinner together sometimes and he was a great provider of physical things.

    But how often they exchanged intimacy was in question.

    There were no tender moments. They would say things like. “I know my Dad loved me, he just doesn’t express himself that way.” Or, “Dad loves me, he’s just very busy.”

    The effects are devastating.

    The daughter that doesn’t have the strong interpersonal relationship with her dad will always struggle with her relationships with men. The codependent part comes in her defining moments. She will always wonder is she beautiful, does she matter, who loves her.

    And she will look for a male to supply her with these answers.

    Just imagine the teenage boys willing to tell these girls that they are beautiful, they are important and they are loved.

    What do you think these codependent girls will do in return for these simply words that should have come from her dad?

    If you have ever wondered how some guys ended up with these very beautiful and intelligent women – you guessed it, codependency.

    The point here is this: Every little girl needs to know that she is loved and that she matters. In fact all of us do. These two things are directly attached to her inner conscious which she will then use to fight off the voice that tell her no one loves her or she’s ugly.

    This is why birthdays are especially important to all of us. They should be used as a tool to express love and to celebrate the life of a person we love. Everyone should have at least one day a year where people make a fuss, go out of their way and express their love all because of the birth of that special someone.

    It is also for this reason that my two little girls will always know that they matter, that I love them more than life itself and that they are smart and talented enough to do whatever they put their little minds to. They need to understand that our spirits are forever connected and death can’t even separate us. That our love is everlasting – which means from the day they were conceived, it was in love and that their life and death will be spent in love.

    Make sure the people you love know it. This must be demonstrated and said out loud often enough to make it a habit. This is how we live with no regret.

  • Too much pain!

    America is in too much pain.

    When you think about your worst pain, what comes to mind? Is it from body aches? Is it all in your mind? Is it a result of loving too much? Not enough? Is it emotional because you’ve experienced abuse? Is it spiritual because you are disappointed with your church?

    Whatever the pain, your senses have confirmed that it is just that … pain. We hurt. We cry. And we cry some more.

    Has your pain ever made you wonder how much more you can take? Are you avoiding someone because they hurt you? Have you altered your lifestyle because of someone? How long must you endure this suffering?

    Wouldn’t it be cool if there were a judicial system set up just for morality? Now before you start saying it could never happen or we wouldn’t do it right, let’s have a little fun.

    I say that if someone has wronged you, you should be able to sue for damages.

    Every guy whoever took advantage of a woman because she was codependent or lonely should have to pay a price. One thousand dollars would be good.

    Or what of the person who cheats on their significant other instead of just telling them the truth about how they feel in their relationship?

    Or better, what if anyone caught bullying had to serve jail time?

    And then, anyone who filed a false claim would have to pay $5,000!

    I think there should be a $500 fine for swearing in public, dressing inappropriately, stalking, gossiping and  being rude.

    This is a simple exercise to help you escape the rat race and forget about the problems of the day. You should come up with your own list. And have fun with it! Create a place where you make the rules and you decide what happens.

    Try it!

    We all need a break from the pain.

  • Part 2: Unconditional Love???

    In the Bible, the Apostle Paul made a really big deal about the gift of love. He says:

    “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…”

    Whenever I have heard this passage (1 Corinthians 13:1-8) taught, it’s used as an absolute definition. I believe that the intent of this passage is to give you the results of practicing unconditional love, not simply define it.

    Unconditional love has nothing to do with the person being loved. It has everything to do with the person who is giving the love. Unconditional love seems to refine the giver. We dwell on the benefits to the receiver, but the giver of unconditional love benefits the more.

    Let’s say that I have an anger problem, but I choose to love unconditionally. As my anger is kindled, I am faced with the choice of whether to honor unconditional love or follow my anger. If I allow love in, it will not only conquer my anger, but solve the reason why I am angry in the first place.

    Or say that I am faced with a person who has the reputation of being incapable of love, what are my choices? I could choose to stay away from that person which is what most would choose, or I could choose love. Now, this doesn’t mean that we allow people to run over us. It means that we will love them enough to do what others would not and that includes telling them what they really need to hear instead of enabling their behavior.

    When you truly love someone, you don’t give up on them. This is why God said, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” When you truly love someone, when they are at their weakest, you are the strongest. This is why it was “while we were without strength, Christ died …”.

    When you truly love someone,  you become a benefit to them that they can see. You enhance their life so that it’s worth living. This is why Christ said, “I came to bring you life and life more abundantly.” The greatest part of loving someone is doing something for them that they could not do for themselves. This is why “God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever shall believe on him shall not parish, but have eternal life.”

    Love is something for the mature, not the immature. If you are trying to love someone and “self” keeps getting in the way, you’re not ready for the commitment of unconditional love. But if you would allow this love to have it’s way with you, all of your insecurities, fears, quirks and impurities would pour out of you.

    Remember, mankind requires a condition,but  God never did. Who do you believe will be left standing in the end?

  • Relationship Builder

    So you started the New Year a little on the rocks with your significant other and now they’re gone. One or both of you finally realized that it was time to move on.  Now it’s over.

    You tell yourself that you are better without them. You start tossing out reminders of him, like pictures, various articles of clothing, some gifts (of course not any diamonds) and you quickly change your Facebook status to single.

    You are left with unfulfilled expectations and anger.

    Typically what happens at this point is that you say you want to be alone and you remind yourself that the next person would only be a rebound, but not too soon afterward you are smothering the rebound.

    You begin to take those stored “unfulfilled expectations” and assign them to the new partner. You quickly find out that you are instantly attracted to anything that was the opposite of your ex. For example, if the guy you were with never opened the door for you, then all of a sudden that quality is escalated because of the past. If you were with a woman who really couldn’t cook too well, you’d be all over the woman who could provide you with the southern comfort of food.

    The danger is that whatever the new quality is that you are coveting may not have been a quality that mattered to you originally. It only became important when your previous relationship ended. This relational baggage makes ordinary qualities greater, thus confusing your judgment and actually making you “rush” the relationship and not even be able to recognize true love anymore. I have a friend on Facebook who a month ago was “in a relationship”, then two weeks ago she was single. One week later she was “in a relationship” again and I called to ask if it was with the same person and she was so excited to tell me about this new guy and how wonderful he was. As of today, they are engaged!

    Now I’m not saying that I don’t believe in love at first sight or any of the other fairytales given to us as children. I’m not saying that Hollywood’s boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl again stories aren’t true. What I am saying is that these situations are as rare as hitting the lottery, becoming a professional athlete, becoming the next American Idol or winning an Olympic gold medal. Oh sure you have seen it happen before and you know that it’s possible, but the question here is: Are these scenarios probable?

    Before you try to “hook up” with another, you must first exam yourself. You can’t be “two” if you (or the other person) are not ones.

    We often enter relationships broken, wounded and with baggage. We have high expectations and are afraid to fully give of ourselves. How many times have you seen a relationship where a couple is together, and the guy hasn’t been working since they hooked up. Nine months into the relationship and the guy still hasn’t found ANY work. Before he entered that relationship, he should have mastered the whole job/car/house/independence thing before trying to connect with another. And what of the man who meets a woman who needs more than just a companion? This woman needs a caretaker, lawyer, doctor, sugar daddy and butler – and she’s not afraid to ask for it! Every phone call leads to her asking him to do something for her. She should have worked out all those needs in the beginning, before trying to start a relationship.

    Building a relationship should not be rocket science. It should start off with hesitation and anticipation. There should be long periods of talking and sharing (which is how you actually build the relationship) and a lot of patience.

    Only fools rush in.