ClydeStyle

Category: Taking Responsibility

  • Living With regret

    I must admit that I don’t normally watch the Oscars, but I am a fan of the industry and I absolutely love Chris Rock and Will Smith. I would like to believe that these two guys would be friends of mine if they were not famous and lived near me. We are in the same age bracket and have a lot of similar qualities.

    Now with that said, I was going to be disappointed in both men for their actions. I was also going to be embarrassed by the actions of both as an African-American male because of the stereo-types that will follow as a result of what happened. And then I wanted to write a blog and explain all the things that they did wrong. Then it dawned on me that context is everything and I was putting these two men in a category they do not belong.

    What I mean by context is that we are witnessing the results of previous interactions we don’t understand or have no full knowledge of. It’s disappointing that the interaction we saw was violent but there is much more to this situation that we may never know about. In addition, if this were just two average men (any race) and one had slapped another it would not have made the news and we wouldn’t be discussing it. Their fame made this newsworthy.

    We place people in categories, sometimes sub consciously, but in our minds we decide whether a person is good, bad, ugly, charismatic, funny or talented among other things. We develop beliefs about these people based on the categories and then expectations are set. Then we become disappointed when our heroes (in this case) do not match the consistency of our expectations. This is what is happening with all the commentary posted on social media.

    What should happen is we realize the truth about what we saw: the fact that these two humans were placed in a human scenario and both had an opportunity to do good, but failed. I truly believe if they had a do-over they could make a better decision. But above everything they proved that they are human and that they are flawed. If they were placed in the “flawed human” category from the beginning, then this interaction would not dominate the news cycle.

    Shout out to Tyler Perry, Denzel Washington and others who tried to bring healing to the situation. Believe it or not, sometimes things are allowed to happened for the purposes of seeing what others would do. God uses this tactic more often than you think. So I wondered how many people thought to pray when the incident happened? I wonder how many others were willing to do what they could to bring healing to this situation? Both Smith and Rock will have many private interactions following this incident. I wonder how many of those conversations would be with people who are trying to honor God in the moment?

    It’s sad when your own actions cause you to live with regret. Every time Will looks at his Oscar, the memory of the slap will come into focus. Every Oscar ceremony from this point on will remember the slap. How many business deals will not happen for these two because of this incident? Have they made peace with their God? Michelle Obama rightfully said that when they go low we go high. Going high requires us to process things in the highest part of our brains — and that’s our spiritual side. I pray the learning curve happens for all who are involved.

  • Don’t say it; because you are better than that!

    In the book of James in the bible he talks in chapter 3 about taming the tongue.

    James compares the tongue to the govenor that controls a ship and the bit that bridles the horse. Both when used properly are for the purposes of controlling the whole.

    He also says the tongue is fire and if not controlled it would burn and destroy. The instrument used to control has been misused for retaliation. The biggest problem with retaliation is that it always hits the people that are closest to us.

    How many arguments have you had with people you have professed to love that ended badly because somebody made an out of bounds comment that was clearly meant to hurt the person?

    Sadly, the closest people to us are the ones that we know the most about. They have been vulnerable with us. They trust us with some very intimate things. We then turn around in our selfishness and unload hate at the ones we love.

    Selfishness is the reason we respond that way. Selfishness is the actual thing that needs controlling and God gave us the tongue to do that. All of our good, bad and ugly gets distributed throughout our whole bodies and before it leaves our temple it rests on our tongue. It’s at this moment that we are crucified with Christ (Gal. 2:20).

  • How powerful is the will of God … in your life?

    If the question is asked to the average Christian regarding the power of the will of God unanimously they would say, “it is all powerful” or something to that effect. They would say, “who can resist the power of God?”

    Those are all great answers, but now the question of the power of the will of God focuses on your life. You see, on it’s own merit God’s will is as powerful as He is, but since God doesn’t make us do His will, it’s up to our own understanding as to how powerful it would be in our lives.

    So when the bible reveals God’s will to us, how do we respond? For example, Eph. 5:22 tells wives to submit themselves to their own husbands in everything. But what if he is a cheater?

    What if he is an abuser? What if he is mean? The text does not add a condition to this command, but God allows you the choice to select who you want to be married to. So now how powerful is God’s will?

    Continuing in the same Ephesians text it says for the husband to love his wife the same way Christ loved the church. Again it doesn’t give a condition that negates the command if she doesn’t act the way you want her to.

    What about helping people? Would you help a fellow Christian just because he was a Christian or does he or she have to be extremely close to you for you to help?

    When is the last time you gave of your time and means for a Christian you really didn’t know?

    Maybe the world has a hard time seeing Jesus because his followers are not reflecting the love they are experiencing from Him.

    Our world is in troubled times where what God says doesn’t seem to matter much. But if the only way the world will see it and understand it is if it is modeled by Christ’s followers then we may be in big trouble!

  • Good resolution: Learn to be ok with saying no.

    One of the greatest lessons to learn for 2020 is to say no. Many people allow for circumstances and relationships to control them literally taking the power out of their hands.

    Some of us have a need to feel needed that although we complain, we still agree to do whatever because it satisfies that feeling of neediness.

    Others are worried about what people will think of them if they say no. Still others believe they are so not worthy of anything better, will just do whatever is asked. These people can be “guilted” into agreeing to almost anything.

    So let’s make 2020 different. Below is a list of “no” responses. You can even add your own expletives but you need to hear yourself say no out loud. It’s even a good idea to record yourself saying no in various ways and listening to the playback. It will increase your courage. Give it a try!

    1) No

    2) Absolutely not

    3) No thank you

    4) Seriously, no

    5) I have decided not to invest my time in that

    6) Boy bye!

    7) Not going to happen

    8) I’m sure you will figure something else out

    9) Hell no!

    10) Ha ha ha ha ha!

  • Rate yourself

    Rate yourself

    If there was a rating system for human beings, what type of human would you be? I mean would you seek to get high scores? Would you act any different than you do today?

    It seems that it does not matter to some people how others see them. I wonder if there were a system and within that system you had to score a certain amount of points. Imagine if each year everyone had to score a certain amount of points for “doing good”. I mean you scored points when you helped people, or when you were kind or when you sacrificed for others or if you made your community better. Imagine if this was the case and those who failed to score enough points had to spend the following year in jail??

    I wonder would there be people in prison if this were the case? Or what if things like greed, envy, lies, anger and hurting people took points away?

    Imagine if your kindness was your currency? Who then would be rich?

    It is sad that in America we have such a morality issue and we don’t seem to know what is right anymore. Or we just don’t care because the consequences aren’t stiff enough.

    The things that are important and matter are not our biggest things. Covetousness seems to be and unless something drastically changes, we will ultimately cause our own country to fall.

  • Being mentally aware of mental poverty

    Being mentally aware of mental poverty

    When we think of poverty it normally is in the context of finance and we consider people who have no wealth as poor. But poverty comes in many forms and this blog will touch on one of them: Mental poverty.

    This means simply that your thinking is not right. Your thinking violates social norms that make your actions stick out like a sore thumb.

    Do you know somebody who just seems to look at situations different than most? I don’t mean different in a good way, I mean you hear some of the things they say and you hope no one else hears it.

    With this type of thinking it makes it difficult to recognize fairness, justice, compromise or forgiveness. There seems to be a disconnect with logic and understanding. At first glance people would say the person must be crazy. But in a larger sense this thinking is more common than you think.

    In many cases it is the result of wounds that have not healed and the pain is so traumatic with the individual that revenge is the only word they can think about with clarity.

    You see, when you have been wronged repeatedly with no resolve your mental faculties become impaired. Your thinking gets stuck on resolutions. With every future situation that requires thinking, the individual struggles with negotiating righteousness.

    Please understand that this is not an excuse. It is just what is. The solution is so easy that we overthink and never get over some of our mental anguish.

    The solution is to forgive what has happened to you. Forbear your perpetrators and deal with them going forward with the lessons you have learned from dealing with them in the past.

    Considering that the Lord above has laid claim to revenge anyway, your best move is to heal yourself.

    Now that you are aware, you know that arguing with a person who struggles with mental health issues will always struggle with logic so when you get into a shouting match with this person, what is your endgame?

    When you continue to repeat the same argument over and over again, how do you think it looks to the sane?

    Awareness of mental challenges is half our battle. Now you just need to not engage.

  • The psychology of disappointment

    The psychology of disappointment

    So you had an expectation of something — that’s how it starts. Then you feel that you deserve that expectations fulfillment. Excitement follows. Expectation grows and an adrenaline rush ensues.

    Then suddenly something unexpected, uncontrollable or undeserving happens and all you were left with is disappointment.

    Disappointment is hard to swallow. It doesn’t go down easy. It causes heartaches.

    Chasing disappointment is anger. Anger allows the feeling of disappointment to linger. The greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment. You can experience periods of sadness, depression and resentment.

    It’s as if disappointment laughs at you. It calls out to you saying, “who told you to have expectations?” Disappointment burns.

    To protect ourselves we need to stop having expectations for anyone but ourselves. The likelihood of you letting down yourself should be less.

    Do yourself a favor and don’t desire something to a level that leads to greater expectation and possible disappointment. Your emotional orientation takes a hard hit everytime you do.

  • How hungry are you?

    How hungry are you?

    When we think of hunger, we think in terms of the absence of food. But being hungry can actually represent any phase of your life where you are trying to advance.

    You can be hungry for success, hungry for wealth, hungry for relationships or hungry for the sake of hunger. It is interesting the factors that decide whether we stay hungry or not. Fighters who are successful and have gotten comfortable with the title, often fight against success.

    Let me be clear: On the way to the title, a fighter would eat, drink and sleep that title. They would dream of what it would be like to taste victory. But once obtained a fighter needs to work harder at keeping that title because there is normally 9 or 10 other contenders who have never tasted the title and that becomes their fuel.

    In business as you climb the corporate ladder there are colleagues coming behind you that want your spot. You just got it and they are hungry for it. There is always someone coveting your position.

    But I really want to focus on what makes us stop. What are the things that make us not reach the goal? You see, success can do that to you, but failure can too. When you have failed 9, 19, 29, 39 times, it’s hard to make that additional attempt because too much of your past says you can’t do it.

    Further, we can actually be our own worst enemy with this. We get worried and start to doubt our own ability. Then the voice inside of you that is supposed to be “for” you ends up saying and causing the worst damage. You will hear yourself say, “you are out of your league.” “You can’t do that!” “Who do you think you are?”

    Sadly, we don’t need folks from the outside to “stick it to us”, we do it ourselves. What goals have you abandoned because you just were not hungry enough? What are you missing out on right now because you did not follow through or you just gave up? What areas of your life are not fulfilled because you didn’t fulfill it?

    It is never too late. You need to empty yourself of the impurities that are making it difficult for you to eat and regain your hunger! You started the journey and your destination is not as far as you think. You owe it to yourself to get there. You can do it!

  • Forever chasing nothing

    Forever chasing nothing

    As a nation, we pride ourselves as being an advanced culture with highly intelligent people and as having the best of everything — pound for pound — the world has to offer. Sadly, I struggle to find anything we do as signficant to mankind.

    Now this is not a bash America blog! I used to say I love America but like many I could not tell you why. It was my only frame of reference so I loved what I knew. I assumed that people in government were looking out for the little man — looking out as defined as making laws and provisions for the little man to grow and develop into something more, not throw him a bone and keep him dumb.

    There was a study done in the 90s with 21k people across 7 nations to test there literacy. The study covered more than 30 tasks over a 45 minute span. The test takers were between the ages of 16 to 25 and the specific items on the test dealt with reading comprehension, following directions, reading maps, completing job applications etc. — things you would need to function and thrive in every day life. The results were astonishing (see table below). There were level grades from 1 to 5 where a 4 or 5 was pretty high functioning and of course a 1 was struggling. Sweden’s population of that age group were the brightest with more than 40 percent functioning at the highest levels. Only 18 percent of Americans at that age range preformed as well as the Swedes.

    What does that mean you ask? Well other than the obvious, it seems that the study has also proven that higher functioning was related to higher wages. When France talks about job creation and the US talks about it, those are two totally different conversations. France is only talking about a living wage where you can take care of a family with a modest living. In the US, we say a job is a job — better than not having one.

    Today we are in a literacy crisis. No one should be surprised about this but I don’t think we understand the effects.

     

    • More than 30 million adults in the United States cannot read, write, or complete basic math above a third-grade level. —  Proliteracy
    • Children whose parents have low literacy levels have a 72 percent chance of being at the lowest reading levels themselves. These children are more likely to get poor grades, display behavioral problems, have high absentee rates, repeat school years, or drop out. — National Bureau of Economic Research (NBER)
    • 75 percent of state prison inmates did not complete high school or can be classified as low literate. — Rand Report: Evaluating the Effectiveness of Correctional Education
    • Low literacy is said to be connected to over $230 billion a year in health care costs because almost half of Americans cannot read well enough to comprehend health information, incurring higher costs. — American Journal of Public Health

    Our problem: Politics. We constantly elect people who can not relate to the problems of the average American and they could care less about those problems. It doesn’t even matter what political party you belong to — both parties have failed the little man.

    It seems that we have disfellowshipped the word demand because we don’t demand anything — nothing of ourselves and nothing from those who rule the world. So we sit and take it — you live your life paycheck to paycheck and die in a sea of debt. In our country they tell you that you have the right to pursue happiness, they just forgot to tell you it was nearly impossible to catch.

  • Is it really yours?

    image

    You know the old saying that if you let something go and if it comes back to you, then it truly belongs to you? I just wonder how practical the application of this saying would be today. I mean, I think that some of us may have taken for granted the people in our lives. Sometimes it’s easy to forget the importance of people under our jursidiction and we really need a wake up call.

    So imagine if you are the boss over a company or you are managing several employees, do you think that if they were released and given another job making the same money, they would stay with you? In the business world we believe sometimes that people get trapped and they don’t have choices. Are we taking advantage of them and treating them horribly because we can? As a leader are you making the environment your employees work in beneficial to them so that they can do the best job possible? Or have you made the place so in your favor that your colleagues hate the company and you? It should not take an episode of “Undercover Bosses” to make you do the right thing. The highest boss is watching and you will have to answer to him.
    image

    Let’s take this a step further and look at the family because I wonder how many children would stay with their same parents. For those of you with children, do you believe that your offspring would gladly stay with you if they had another opportunity. I’m not talking about riches or a bigger house, I’m speaking pound for pound, comparing apples to apples, given a choice would your children stay with you? That’s a hard question for some and not meant to ruin anyone’s week, but we need to take a step back sometimes and see if what we think we are accomplishing is good and for the betterment of the people God has placed us over.

    Now for the finale, when you look at your marriage do you believe your spouse would come back to you if he or she had the option to leave with no strings attached? Think before you answer. Do you make your spouse feel that he or she is the perfect match for you? Do they feel God’s full blessing being with you or would they rather be single? Is this even something you can talk about? Has chasing after success in life or bitterness or past failures turned you into an asshole? Don’t look at me, I didn’t say it your spouse may have! I just want you to take an honest look at your situation.
    image

    Life is too short to spend the rest of it with someone who repels you. So before they sneak and talk to an attorney about their options, wouldn’t it be more cost effective for you to have that “come to Jesus talk” with them and say you’re sorry and you want to be better? If you really and truly love the person you are with, you owe it too yourself and your spouse a true confession and a heartfelt apology. Then you would spend your life prioritizing things in order of importance and you would begin with your relationship.

    Don’t listen to the voice in your head that says this task is too much. It is just what your relationship needs. Be the leader you claim you are and lead in this effort to make your life better.