Blog

The new year is not yet 24 hours old as 2019 went out with a bang. This wasn’t merely the close of another year, but we are beginning a new decade that many did not get to see.

Now is the challenge to create a plan for advancement and well being that has us living our best life in this new decade. For many, looking back 10 years brings mixed emotions as the ups and downs life hurls at you challenged us spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.

We made full use of all our emotions and unfortunately we brought hurt with us to this new decade. But we also brought love and hopefully honesty. We saluted those who left this life and we made stronger the relationships that matter.

Now, we stare at the future with uncertainty and hope. The number one thing that everyone should have learned is that you got out of life whatever you put into it. If you sowed a lot of bad decisions, then sadly you reaped bad outcomes. Many stayed in relationships waaaaay too long and we put up with things that we should not have had to tolerate. Well, that does not have to happen in 2020. It is our job to implement correction. Clearly mark the learning curve and follow it to success. Life is nothing but a bunch of actions and reactions. Try to stay on the “actions” side as you will get more out of life that way.

Another thing that should have been learned is that you always have a choice. You may not always like the choices but you always have a choice. Understanding this should keep you from feeling helpless. Play the hand you’re dealt so that new cards will keep coming. Stop hanging on to bad cards.

And finally, we learned to be well. You cannot give yourself to someone else when you are broken. People will just pick out the pieces of you that they like and leave the rest. You will feel used, abused and confused. Allow yourself to rest and heal. Feed you body and your soul with good things and grow an environment around you that makes you so happy you want to dance! No one should dominate your life. Instead you should be sharing your life with someone who has proven they want to be in it.

I am committed to making this a safe space for you so that healing, learning, laughter and honesty can take place. Happy New Year! This will be the decade you have been waiting for!

As we come to the close of 2019 have you noticed anything familiar in your relationships? Are you still attracting the same type of people? Are you still experiencing negative results from your interactions? Are you frustrated that you keep being misunderstood in your relationships? Well, I may be able to help you with that.

I recently had a client that was having some parenting issues with her only child who is a teenage girl. The teenager constantly takes advantage of her mother’s generosity and when the young girl doesn’t return the same level of generosity to her mom, she gets really upset and petty. Petty to the point of making her daughter ride the bus to school instead of dropping her off like normal. Making her fix her own supper some nights and not allowing her to use the car — not even for work.

The daughter then retaliates by shutting down communications with her mom and trying to shut her out of her life. When I met them the daughter was having trouble at school and the mother didn’t know why. All she knew was her grades were suffering as a result and the daughter would not give any explanations.

The mother feared she might be bullied or in some kind of trouble but because of their in-home fighting, she has no clue of what’s going on.

This is where good family therapy comes in. You see, most of the problems in this story are symptoms. The problem is not the daughters lack of generosity. And it definitely is not the sanctions the mother placed on the daughter. I could even argue that some of those sanctions could be standards. The problem rests in the question of why is the mom so generous?

I say SO generous because her generosity creates an expectation on the subject of her generosity. In this case it’s her daughter, but it could be a spouse, coworkers or friends.

Generosity is like charity, you shouldn’t expect something for it. I created a family genogram and discovered that the mother was raised with a mother who was very stingy. She coveted her personal items and would be very upset to suspect someone touched or went through her things. It made the mom feel like an outsider in her home.

As she got older she would be very generous with her things as to not have people get the same feeling she was left with from her mom. So she began to “over give” and developed expectations from it. This effected all of her personal relationships because she could not believe that she kept meeting people who were selfish.

A subsequent discussion about expectations revealed her true struggle and we were able to correct various behaviors that led to negative outcomes.

Once we did this, she apologized to her daughter (which according to the daughter that was first time in her life) and the daughter apologized as well and then told the mom what was going on with her and working together they were able to fix things.

So now I ask you: Are the expectations you place on others ruining your relationships? Do you believe that you have a right to expect some thing from someone else? What gave you that right?

Is there another way to handle relationships that allow growth organically and not forced by another?

There is a reason for the patterns you see in your life. Some are negative and positive but understand that you are the stimulus of the pattern and you don’t have to stay in reruns.

So there was this guy who got into this huge argument with a brick wall… yes, I said a brick wall.

The man was really getting upset that no matter how loud he got, it seemed as though the brick wall just held its position. He yelled, screamed and cursed and do you know that stubborn wall wouldn’t budge.

As the man continued to plead his case to the wall, his chest area got tight. His nose started bleeding and he got dizzy, but he kept going!

The man’s jaw got tight and his left arm began throbbing. He grabbed his chest as he felt a slight urge to use the bathroom and then dropped dead.

The wall held up as if to brag about this shallow victory. To think that the dead man could have been doing something much more productive and fun than trying to make a convincing argument to something incapable of comprehension.

Have you ever tried to have a civil discussion about religion or politics with someone of an opposing view? Have you ever tried to explain your position on a subject to people who could care less what you think?

Have you tried to share your life experiences with a much younger person who believed you had nothing of value to them?

I remember arguing with a guy who is dead now, but I was trying to share with him the benefits of a plant-based diet because he was in his 30s and on dialysis because his diabetes went years out of control. His last words to me were, “Ain’t nobody gonna tell me I can’t have my steak and potatoes!” And what he really meant was he was not going to listen to anyone telling him what he can and cannot eat. Now after he has revealed that this is his view, who would keep arguing with him?

People believe all sorts of things without proof. This is by far the worst thing about the internet: There is way too much false information available and not enough fact checkers!

This arguing raises our blood pressure and is contributing to our demise. Is it that we just really care that much, or is it that our desire to be heard and relevant supersedes our logic to hold our peace?

All of these wastes of breaths will come back to haunt us when we are finally in our last days. So do yourself a favor and hold your peace!